It's a Two Way Street

Dear Dickinson College Student who stepped out into the street without looking,




Good Morning! I trust your day is going well.


Mine is, however, my son Sawyer is having a tough time. You see, last night he wanted a pizza yet he had an awful headache. By the time I went downstairs, made a pizza and brought it up to him, he had fallen asleep. Because I am chronically exhausted, I fell asleep forgetting to put the pizza in the fridge for the morning.


Upon waking up this morning, Sawyer reached for his pizza. I do, on occasion, try to be a decent Mom and so I did not allow him to ingest the now dry, wrinkled, sad excuse for 'za.
Despite my efforts to sway him towards a toaster strudel, he refused to eat anything but a DiGiornio personal pepperoni. This took time and caused us to be late for school (again). Because the "getting to school on time" ship has sailed, I was not even rushing.


Sawyer had settled comfortably into the back seat and was munching away on the 2nd qtr of his meal, when you took the opportunity to look left and step into the street to cross. You did not, however, look to the right to see that I was almost upon the crosswalk. As vehicular homicide is not on my bucket list, I was forced to stop somewhat abruptly.


Although I cannot recall it off the top of my head, I know there is a physics law that perfectly describes exactly what happened next. Something about "an object in motion?" The car was in motion as was everything inside the car. When the car stopped everything in the car continued its forward propulsion except for the one thing that was not secure or heavy enough to do stop as well. As a college student I am hoping you can pinpoint what that was. If you said, "Sawyer's pizza," you, my darling daughter of parents rich enough to send you to an overpriced school, are absolutely right! Well done!


The result was the plate flying out of Sawyers hands, hitting the seat in front of him and landing on the floor. Once the initial shock of the seat belt cutting into my upper body had subsided, I was excited to see that the paper plate had landed right side up and one of the two remaining slices was still sitting on the plate. Here we may insert another science lesson on the benefits of melted cheese cooling and attaching itself to objects with which it has come into contact.


 It is with a heavy heart, however that I must tell you, the fourth and final square o' pepperoni deliciousness did a face plant into the minivan floor. The 5 second rule does NOT apply to food in which the moisture level is such that it absorbs everything not attached to the rubber floor mat. (And believe me, there was plenty to be absorbed- mud, hair, lollipop wrappers, I have 5 kids, use your imagination)


Realizing the final piece of pizza was inedible was more than my poor Sauce could take. He refused to eat the remaining "clean piece." He refused to get out of the car. He refused the option of bringing in the "clean piece" and finishing it in the office or the Special Ed room. He then refused to finish the piece he was currently eating out of spite for my negotiation tactics and threw it out the car door. Once inside the building he refused to move. He positioned himself in the corner just inside the doors and put his hand on the fire alarm until the Special Ed teacher was able to come and coax him down the hall. (I have to admit, the hand on the fire alarm was a brilliant touch- I, for one, was paralyzed).


So you see, Miss Born with a Silver Spoon in your Mouth, yet you try to dress like a penniless gypsy so as to encapsulate your liberal connection with the lowly have nots, your decision to "go for it" across the white painted lines this morning started a chain of events that could have possibly ended in my child being suspended for pulling a fire alarm.


A piece of advice from a 17 year veteran Mom who has now sat in the car and wasted 1/2 hour writing you this letter because I want you to know what you have done; "Look Left, Look Right. No cars in sight? Then run across with all your might!"


Otherwise, stay on the sidewalk you entitled brat!!! Lastly, be thankful you are sitting in a college lecture drinking overpriced coffee daydreaming about the frat boy you hooked up with last weekend who hasn't texted you back instead of on a gurney getting transported to Carlisle Hospital.


Sincerely,


An exhausted bitter woman who may just gun it next time.


PS- I almost forgot, when you do run out in front of cars who screech to a halt to keep from hitting you, it is generally suggested to give a gratuitous smile or wave to the driver. It helps them not to hate you so much!