My Two Cents

I don't know that I will always remember where I was physically when I heard that Robin Williams had died, but I will never forget where I was emotionally.

I know tons of people have written articles and blogged about depression, suicide, and Mr. Williams the last few days.  I am not trying to jump on the bandwagon.  My writing is cathartic for me and if you happen to enjoy it, then I am happy to let you read it.  One thing I do not do is extensive research or fact checking.  I write from the heart, about what I know and what it means to me.  Your opinions may differ, my thoughts and feelings may not be the popular ones.  My experience may not be the typical one, but this is what I am dealing with.

I have been in a very dark place for the last few weeks due to circumstances I do not wish to share.  I didn't fall into an immediate depression.  The demons lurked around the corner until I found myself having at least one drink a night.  I got buzzed several times and completely drunk twice in a short period of time.  For those of you who know me, this was very typical in college and for a few years after, but I had probably drank more in the last three weeks than I had in the last year combined.

After a very ugly Friday night, which turned into a very painful Saturday morning, I decided I had to step back.  It was then I realized they had me surrounded.  Those nasty, slimy, hateful demons that feed off of my lack of confidence, that gain strength from my self loathing and who revel in my humiliation.  They were living the high life at my expense, at the expense of my kids.

They are always there in the shadows, but it had been quite a while since I could feel them sucking the breath out of me.  Since I had my kids, I can honestly say that those horrid creatures have not been able to push me into suicidal ideation.  I would be lying if I said it hasn't crossed my mind in the last 15 years, but never for more than a moment or two.  I have struggled with the desire to hurt myself on a few rare occasions, but somehow have managed to not give in. (Again, this is in the last 15 years)

So as I tried to muddle my way through Saturday, my youngest sons 8th birthday, I hated myself for letting the monsters get so close.  How could I not keep those mother f-ers away when I had 5 kids who needed me?  Screw that noise, I could do this damn it!  So Sunday I woke up and decided that it was the first day of the rest of my life.  I was going to take care of me and get a handle on things.

And Monday night, when I was feeling a bit upbeat about getting everyone everywhere they needed to go on a busy day....I opened FaceBook and saw that he had died.  Although they alluded to it, it was not positively suicide, but somehow I knew.  My heart shattered and my brain spun.  I wanted to stand up and announce to the other Little League parents (who were complete strangers as we just moved here and it was the first practice ), "Robin Williams is dead!"  I wanted to share my shock, my sadness and most importantly, my overwhelming fear.

I mean, if he could not escape the demons, who the heck was I to think I could?  "First day of the rest of my life," oh my God, who was I kidding?  I could hear them snickering in my ears, felt them breathing down my neck.  I was deflated.  Then a few things happened that gave me something to think about.  Watching tv, being on the phone, reading FB posts, I realized that there were so many people out there who didn't get it.  Were they mean spirited? Clueless? Ignorant?  I wasn't sure.  Some of these people were friends, people I respected on TV, even a relative said, "Wow, a guy like that.  I mean he had so much, how could he not find a way out?"  That hurt my feelings but I know it wasn't said maliciously.

Something clicked and I realized that there are so many people who are not stalked by these snakes, which is a good thing.  They do, in fact, see the act of suicide as selfish, cowardly and weak. I was sad.  Grateful in a way, that they did not understand, yet, helpless in the feeling of how can I explain it to them?  Through a friends' long FB thread I read posts from people (some friends of mine) who had contemplated or attempted suicide. I realized a person who doesn't understand could certainly see the act as selfish if they are left behind.  But as someone eloquently posted, "a person who succumbs has fell victim to the monsters and their evil whispers.  In their pain, they have a skewed view of what's happening now and what would happen if they died.  They truly believe the world would be a better place if they left it.  They feel they would be doing everyone a favor by not taking up time and energy from their loved ones.  They feel that they are a burden. In that respect, killing themselves becomes a self less act."  I completely agree.

As I contributed to this FB thread and tried to describe to my friend what goes though the mind of someone who wants to die (again, I am going on my own experience, I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV), I felt that I had something worthy to contribute.  That I could help this person and whoever else was following the discussion understand something that was completely foreign to them.  They simply could not get past the action into the mind of the person driven to take their own life.  Was I proud that I had personal experience in this matter?  Um, no, but I was willing to share what I knew in the hope that I could help at least one person understand that Mr. Williams was not acting out of selfishness, that he was not weak. On the contrary, he was probably stronger than many of us.

I once heard someone say, "Everyone feels sorry for the person with depression.  What about the people who have to live with them?"  If their loved one ever had a doubt that taking ones' life would unburden those they loved, it could've been negated right there.  I am so thankful that scenario did not end in tragedy.

I cringed as I heard Shep Smith use the word "coward." I knew that would get him in trouble, but I don't think his intent was malicious. It was a stupid irresponsible thing to say.  As a news anchor you would think he'd have more of a clue.  At the same time, have I ever misspoke about something I didn't understand?  I would put money on it. I will admit I find it much easier to forgive someone who makes an ignorant statement if I respect them.  Human nature I guess.

The same person who sought pity for loving someone with depression, also came down on their partner telling them, "You mope around here all day as if the world is coming to an end, yet someone stops by or calls and you are suddenly the picture of happiness."  What I tried to explain to that person was that their spouse was exhausted from fighting the good fight.  If they were going to be able to let down their guard anywhere, it should be in their own house with the people they love and trust most.  People at the door or on the phone represent the "outside" and when they have the strength, people who are depressed will "put on the happy face" because that is what they are supposed to do. It's what society wants them to do.  Think about this; how many times a day do you say some version of "Hi, how're you?" Let's be honest, if the answer is anything but "Good," "Fine," or "Great," the person asking does an invisible eye roll and curses themselves for asking in the first place.  They don't really want to know.  I know I am guilty of that. I'm not sure if that person above ever really understood what their partner was going through and I'm not sure if their marriage survived.

So let's take that to a higher level.  Robin Williams was a man of extraordinary talent.  His abilities included being an amazing dramatic actor, but he was most recognized for his comedy routines and movie roles.  I dated a comedian once, briefly (shut it MSM alumni!), and he told me that making a living as a comedian was difficult in that no one wanted you to be serious, everyone expected you to be funny all the time.  If I feel compelled as a simple Army wife and mom of 5 kids to staple the smile on my face (which I am not always successful at doing, mind you) can you imagine the pressure felt by Mr. Williams to be not only happy, but funny?!?  The thought is daunting to me.  On my worst days I wouldn't be able to pretend for the Queen of England, but I would try, it's what I do.  I don't claim to know exactly what Mr. Williams was feeling or how long he had dealt with depression, but I'm willing to wager, he put on a happy face more times than we could ever imagine.  The realization of that breaks my heart.

In the FB thread the other night, someone posted this quote: "The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do." - Anonymous (and I actually looked that up!)

Some people will never understand what goes through the mind of someone who commits suicide.  And I'm sure it's never exactly the same thoughts.  A quote in an article I read when I was 16 summed it up for me then, and has always been exactly how I've felt each time I didn't feel I had the strength to go on.  "She didn't want to die.  She just wanted to stop the pain of living." I would never wish such desperation on my worst enemy.  My demons are staying close but I am fighting back.  I have been reaching out to family and friends, I continue to take my meds and am looking for a new therapist since I have moved.  I'm doing the best I can and that's really all I can do.  (But of course, they tell me otherwise)

I guess my thoughts boil down to this: Mr. Williams gave us many gifts, the gift of laughter, the gift of amazement at the human mind, the gift of appreciating the talent of an actor who could make you not only want to know him, but want to know the characters he was able to bring to life for us.  We were blessed to have him in our lives.  Is it sad that he left us too soon?  Of course, but I thank God he stayed with us as long as he did.  He gave us the gift of himself.  Knowing now how difficult it must have been at times, makes it all the more special.  For that we should be grateful and humbled. I know I am.