Dear Mr. Whirlpool

Dear Mr. Whirlpool~

While I appreciate the fact that you have made an appliance (two in fact) that in the 3 months that we've owned it has yet to break down, something the Maytag Man cannot claim, I need to let you know I'm annoyed.

My washer and dryer are fully equipped to wash and dry my clothes respectively. This is a good thing. They each have several different settings. For example, the knob can be turned to "towels," "sheets," and even "rinse,drain & spin." These are all very helpful for a Mom who never sees the bottom of the laundry pile. For that I am appreciative.

I especially like the rinse cycle as I can put most things that Sawyer has peed on through a rinse before putting it in with a regular load. I don't like to think about his urine being diluted and swishing around with anything I may wear.

And while I'm thinking of it, since you are most likely "in the know" as far as American laundering habits go, do many people wash their children's socks and underwear separately from their own? I do, and I'll tell you why. My kids lack even the most basic skills of hygiene. I'm not sure how it happened and I really have no explanation for it. All I know is that when I am separating the laundry into different loads based on color, water temp, etc, I am completely appalled and often disgusted by my children's underwear and socks.

In my defense, there is ALWAYS toilet paper in the house. Whether they choose to use it or not, well it's a bit hard to stay on top of that. And while I am well aware that the temperatures in Kansas in the winter are quite cold, I am baffled by the practice of wearing said underwear for a second or third day because putting clean ones on would cause a chill!

And this issue is not limited to drawers! Someone has been sneaking in while I'm napping and telling my kids that shoes are an optional piece of their wardrobe. On any given day, my kids are outside the house doing what kids do; riding scooters or bikes, playing kickball, t-ball, soccer, you name it. The thing is, only about half of them, and not always the same half, will have shoes on. You may think this is not a big deal, Mr. Whirlface, but oh, you would be wrong!

The problem lies in the fact that although they aren't wearing shoes, they do in fact have their socks on. Pushing off the concrete for their scooters, sliding into the mud pit that is home plate, and running through the side of the yard that Jo-Jo uses for his morning constitutional are not exactly helpful in the world of non disposable footwear. We go through socks like people with hygienic children go through toilet paper!

If you've read my blog in the past, Mr. Whirlfool, you will know that I occasionally get sidetracked while writing. So back to the cause for my annoyance.

Buying a high efficiency appliance does not make me what my husband has coined an "Earth Nun." It makes me a consumer who needed a product and found one for a good price in the "scratch and dent" aisle of Lowe's! In no disrespect to Kermit, I am not "Green." I do a decent bit of recycling, yes, but do I load my glass bottles (which the recycling truck won't pick up at my back door) into the car and DRIVE them to a recycling center? Hell no! Do I lay awake at night worrying about how many diapers I have put into landfills? Nope! (And lemme tell ya, it was A LOT!) Do I own a worm farm to help out my compost pile? Negative...and did you even for a second believe I have a compost pile? Silly man! Do I need to go on or do we both understand that my carbon footprint can be seen from just inside the Milky Way? (As opposed to beyond our solar system which makes me feel pretty good about myself!)

Previously, I mentioned some of the more helpful cycles on the washer and dryer. What I can do without is the "ECO-MONITOR." Really?!? You felt the need to install an "ECO-MONITOR" that tells me with a scale if the settings I am using are a pitiful "Good" or if I am elevated to the aspiring "Best" end of the range? Again I say, Really?!?

I've already bought into your "let's save the planet" crap of High Efficiency appliances. I dutifully purchase (for a higher price) the TIDE HE. I'm on it. But beyond that, get off my back! I don't need to be berated by my washing machine. From every angle, our society is telling housewives they aren't thin enough, tall enough, pretty enough, smart enough...and now you want to tell me I'm not energy efficient enough too?

Let's look at how I do the wash:

I angrily gather the latest article of clothing, linens and/or stuffed animal one of the children has peed on, pooped on, or vomited on. I put it in the washer and run it through the "rinse/drain/spin" or the "quick wash" cycle, depending on the substance and volume involved. I close the lid and check the settings; Water temp - I go from warm to cold so the stain doesn't set - Ding ding ding! I have moved two bars closer to "Best!" Spin Speed - I move it from High to Low - I'm gonna have to wash them a second time so it doesn't matter if they are spun hard. Ding, ding, ding! I have moved another two bars to the right. I start to get a bit cocky. Because I want to be sure any bodily fluids have been washed out of the load, I press the "extra rinse" button. GONG!!! I've lost all bars in the display and am slammed back down to the "Good" setting. The thing may as well been programmed to yell out "LOSER!"

The initial cycle ends and feeling that the offending bacteria have been pre-removed, I may then add more to the washer so as to maximize my disproportionate amount of time and laundry. I then typically set the load to Normal, moving the water temp down to cold for the second time. Those dings no longer give me false hope. It's no secret that when I set the spin speed to high along with the Cardinal Sin of an extra rinse I am once again mocked by your cold emotionless cube.

After the guilt of not coming anywhere close to "Best" during the wash cycle, I then transfer the clothes to the dryer. This machine has several of the same bells and whistles as it's partner. As it's most likely 8pm by the time I remember that Sawyer's beloved Frog is in the wash, I am in a hurry to have him dry enough to stick in bed by 8:30. (Oh, did I mention his sheets are in there as well?) I set the knob to normal, skipping over the "Eco-Normal" option. We're on a timetable here mister! This decision places me right between the two self-worth determining settings. Then, because the boy is starting to lose it and in desperate need of passing out I put the temperature up to high. GONG! I have once again been reduced to the unworthy "Good" end of the spectrum.

So, Mr. Whirlpoop, THE SPIN STOPS HERE! I will not allow your appliances to shame me into not getting my clothes washed or dried to my desire and I just wanted you to know!

Have yourself a "Good" day!