Palm Sunday...

Charlie emailed me this morning and told me he missed Mass. He was feeling especially guilty b/c it was Palm Sunday.

My FB post today read:

In an attempt to save my own soul, I have thrown the kids under the bus. I just couldn't face extra long mass with monsters in tow...If anyone sees my kids in Hell, tell them I said Hi! (Oh wait, I'm probably gonna be there anyway)


So then I wrote back to Charlie with the following~

It's okay you missed mass, the kids did too. Here's what happened:

Jesus was the Grand Marshall of his own parade. Everyone was happy and waved palms.
Jesus had dinner with his crew and gave them the 411 on some stuff that was coming up. They thought he was talkin' smack.
Jesus and the gang went to a garden, Jesus prayed and the crew racked out making Jesus kinda ticked off.
Judas showed up with some soldiers. He kissed Jesus and someone chopped an ear off one of the soldiers. Jesus put the ear back on and went with the soldiers.
There was a riot going on at Pontius Pilots' crib and everyone wanted Jesus to be killed even though there was no reason to do so.
Pontius dumped it onto Herod who dumped it back on Pontius and then they had coffee.
(During all this Peter was perpetratin' just like JC said he would)
The crowd was going nuts and decided to ask for the ancient day Charles Manson to be let out of prison so Jesus could be crucified.
Pilot had no balls and let them nail Jesus on the cross.
Jesus and the guy next to him became buds.
Jesus died, all the while telling God to forgive everyone. (Which when you think about it, should have really tipped them off. Would you be telling God to forgive everyone who just treated YOU like crap and were in the process of killing you? Probably not unless you had some kind of 'in' with the Big Guy.)
Once he was gone, people started to realize they blew it.
The good guys (mostly women of course) put him in a tomb and went home for the Sabbath.

...to be continued....



Of course feeling guilty myself, I start quizzing the kids on some Catholicism over dinner.

Mom: What are the two main parts of the mass?
Tali: The Beginning and The End

Mom: Who can say the Hail Mary?
Tali and Josie sing it b/c they apparently are unable to just say it, but they got it right so I let that go.
Lyra: Hail Mary, full of Grace, the Lord is with Thee. Something, something, and something else.
Mom: That's nice. Try again.
Lyra: Hail Mary, full of Grace, the Lord is with Thee. Bless us O Lord and these thy gifts...oh wait, that's the other one. It doesn't matter, I don't want a treat anyway.
Mom: A treat?
Lyra: If we know all our prayers the CCD teacher will give us a candy bar, but I don't care.
Mom: Well, there's this other treat. It's called NOT GOING TO HELL! You may want to work towards that!
Lyra: Maybe.

The Carlton Anti Christmas Letter

Now that it's March I figure I should include the Christmas Letter:



I‘d like to introduce myself to those of you who haven’t heard of me yet: My name is Father Fred and I live at 632 Thomas Ave, Ft. Leavenworth, KS. This also happens to be the same house in which the Carlton Family resides. I have lived here slightly longer though, since 1875. They moved in last August. This of course means it is MY HOUSE and I periodically remind them of this. As I move about the place, I catch bits of conversations and tend to read over Mary’s shoulder while she’s on Facebook, so I feel justified in writing the Christmas Letter this year.

The year apparently started off with a bang as Charlie and Mary began to prepare for their move to Latvia. They stocked up on winter clothes for everyone at the after-holiday sales and Mary began tracking her food purchases on a chart so they would know how many boxes of Mac-n-Cheese they would need to survive 3 years in a foreign land.

The family got mentally and materially prepared for this major move to the other side of the world when low and behold, Charlie found out (through a fluke) in February that they had been denied the move back in September. This was great news as Charlie had been taking Latvian for 6 months at that point. What a marketable language that is! Also, Mary had decided to embrace the move as her Lenten Sacrifice and NOW what was she supposed to do????

So plans changed, some items were returned, food lists went in the garbage and Charlie began to look for another job. After possibilities like Charlie going alone for 18 months or deploying for 12, Mary was thrilled to hear that there was a job (in the United States where they speak English) at Ft. Leavenworth for Charlie to be a “Red Team Instructor.”

Mary sponsored 4 acts at the St. Ann Variety Show in the spring. One each for the girls’ classes and one in which the 3 girls & Baby Charlie sang “Brother for Sale” by Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen. I’m guessing they had no buyers as Baby Charlie is still with the family!

Because they were now moving in July and not September, the summer plans were rearranged. The family drove down to Disney right after school let out and spent a VERY, VERY HOT 7 days at Disney World. There was also a VERY, VERY LONG 45 minutes one day when Baby Charlie got lost. They spent one day with Cousin Katie & her daughter Lily there. From what I hear, Lily and Baby Charlie have a loving relationship with a lot of hair pulling and punching involved.

Then, Charlie came to Kansas to find a house and start work, while Mary took the kids to the annual “Last Hurrah” trip to Topsail Beach, NC. Luckily, Cousin Hannah rode with them half way to the beach and Mary had a nanny so she wasn’t on her own. Charlie flew into NC on Friday for a short 36hrs in the sand and they started their cross country trek on Sunday.

The trip itself wasn’t too eventful; unless of course you count the hotel in St. Louis that happened to be across the street from an arena where the Jonas Brothers were playing that night. Oops! Good Daddy that he was, Charlie found a friendly scalper and took the 4 oldest while Sawyer and Mary went to bed early.

(I had a whole paragraph written about the kids getting Swine Flu the day after they arrived in Kansas. It was exciting news back then, but now that everyone and their brother have had H1N1…it landed on the cutting room floor.) Instead, I’ll tell you that Tali (5th), Josie (4th), Lyra (2nd) and Charlie (K) all attend Eisenhower Elementary School. Mary & Baby Charlie took a two-week vacation to VA in September for him to enroll in Kindergarten at St. Ann. This was b/c he didn’t make the cut-off date for Kindergarten in Kansas and Mary was that desperate to get him into school full-time. The school district will transfer a student into Kindergarten if he has gone at least 2 weeks in another state. How cool is that? Plus, Mary got to see all her friends, do lunch, and see how life might be with one child. WOW, I’m sort of surprised she returned to Kansas! Sawyer goes to Bradley Elementary School for Special Ed Preschool and the Child Development Center Preschool to encourage socialization, although “the Sauce” is talking up a storm and enjoys showing us all how smart he is on HIS TERMS!

Once in Leavenworth, the family moved into MY HOUSE. They love it b/c it’s big, I love them b/c they’re Catholic and have LOTS of kids! They don’t bother me too much, but the crying can get a little annoying. I like to let them know I’m around by opening drawers and the dryer doors. I turn out lights and have also been known to change the temperature in the house. The family has smelled smoke in the fireplace even though they are cemented closed, but I have yet to appear in any pictures or “bless” the children by sprinkling water on them as legends say. I’m waiting for them to decorate the tree to see if they notice when I rearrange the ornaments!

Charlie leaves on January 2nd for a 6-month deployment in Iraq. Please don’t worry about Mary and the kids as I’ll be here watching over them… Mwahahahaha!!!!

Merry Christmas~

Father Fred, Charlie, Mary, Tali, Josie, Lyra
Baby Charlie & Saucey

Puke-a-pa-looza 2

Author's note: The following is not for the weak of stomach. (Except of course for Charlie, b/c despite his wimpy stomach he must be forced to feel my pain!!!)


This just in: The second annual Carlton Puke-a-pa-looza was held over the last several days. Although last year's event was held in early May with Mary's LASIK surgery starting off the weekend fun, this years' festivities were held in mid-March lining up perfectly with the kids Spring Break! (Having two major events coincide always makes for more fun.)

Sawyer was the opening act. He started off the weekend with a vomit session that would put many a drunk to shame. He threw up so much and so many places that it became a math lesson for Tali to figure out how many rooms in the house he had thrown up in. (1/3 of the rooms on the second floor and 3/4 of the rooms on the first floor)

It seemed as though there may not be a full-fledged festival this year as the waters (and tummies) were calm Saturday afternoon and all day Sunday. But Josie was not going to let the opportunity pass us by. She decided to headline the event and started throwing up Monday night. Shortly thereafter, Baby Charlie joined in. Not to be outdone by the children, Mary felt the need to "blow" them both out of the water (no pun intended - Nah...of course it was).

Baby Charlie and Sawyer were to appear at day care Tuesday and Wednesday, but they blew off both gigs to encore at the house. Sawyer outdid himself with a blowout of major proportion Tuesday morning. Who knew there was anything left in that little body to poop up down and sideways...all over his favorite Thomas pajamas? (For those of you who follow Frogs escapades...he luckily avoided hopping into the mosh pit!)

As Josie came to the front of the stage over, and over, and over, and over, Tali couldn't hold back anymore. By Tuesday night she was yakking with the best of them. And her love of dark blue Gatorade showed. So much so that Mary, who thought she had taken her final bow in front of the toilet, came back for more.

And so it went Tuesday night. From 9:30 to midnight, Baby Charlie had the mike, and kept a running commentary on Phinias and Ferb and SpongeBob for anyone who would listen. (He had gone backstage and napped for several hours in the afternoon). He was allowed four sips of water every 8 minutes. After two and 1/2 hours Mary had lost all track of time, sips, and days of summer vacation.

Meanwhile on Stage 2 the schedule went something like this; 10pm: Tali and Josie do a duet, and Mary sings backup. 11pm: Josie goes solo. 12:15: Tali on melody and Mary picks up harmony. 1:30: Josie and Tali sing together again and Mary follows their lead. 2 am: Josie is back on stage with nothing left to give.

Everyone agreed it was time for an intermission so there was a break. Just when it got a little too quiet, Baby Charlie let loose all over Mary's comforter at 4:10. This included the sips of water Mary had so carefully rationed, plus the extras he'd been sneaking while she was wiping up vomit from Tali and Josie. And then there were those Ritz Crackers he'd taken from the kitchen and ate while Mary was doing her own thing. "But I was so hungry!"

The lights went down and the stage fell silent...until at 5am Sawyer was wide awake, feeling better, and ready to conquer the day! He sat up with one of his common battle cries; "I want meatballs!" Mary's response, "Are you freakin' kidding me?" was still echoing in the hallway when he thankfully fell back asleep until 8.

It was somewhere around that time that Josie, although continuing to try to produce during the early morning hours, was forced to put down the mike and sleep. Tali too, racked like a rock star. Mary - having dreams of the health care debate b/c Fox News was on - drifted in and out of consciousness.

Lyra and Sawyer played the day away. Baby Charlie continued to vomit through the afternoon, but b/c God had the forethought (well of course He would) to send Mary's mom out and to allow her to remain unscathed by the storm, Mary was able to sleep until late afternoon when she became vertical for the first time in two days. When asked about the experience, Mary Lee said "I've honestly never seen anything like it." This does not mean she advocates for the continuance of the festival nor does she encourage anyone else to come witness it.

Clean up will begin tomorrow am. It's expected to take days, maybe even weeks for the venue to recover. Mary and her Mom will be paid double her salery (of nothing) to restore order to the event grounds. (Yet one more example of Mary Lee's sainthood)

Update: it is now 2am...everyone is asleep and the house has been vomit free for about 10 hours...what a long, strange trip it's been....


(Tickets for next year's Puke-a-pa-looza will go on sale at Christmas)

Dear Frog~

Dear Frog. Soft, green, cuddly Frog. You don't fool me. I've seen your kind before. You slipped into Sawyer's crib with a big blue ribbon when he was first born. As he lay motionless and swadled, you snuggled up to him with your big eyes and fluffy legs. Only able to flounder, he was a captive audience, and you filled his brand new brain with lies and empty promises of your life together.

By the time he could crawl, you two were inseparable. And even at 3, you rarely leave his side and not a night goes by that he doesn't drool on you.

Then comfortable in his need for you, in just the right moment, you morph from a simple frog to a cheeky monkey and find a quiet, out of the way spot to hide.

You amuse yourself by doing this on nights which I may actually go to bed early. Although I should stay up preparing the Box Tops Submission that must be postmarked tomorrow, I had decided to go to bed and do it in the morning. Remarkably, the kids were all snoring by 9pm. The rareness of this is not lost on you.

As I transported Sawyer into his bed from mine, I noticed that you were missing. I continued to move through my bedtime routine which includes more household tasks than most men accomplish in a week. The table was wiped down, the dishwasher started, the dryer emptied and that load carried upstairs, the wet load put into the dryer, and the reds loaded in the washer so Josie could have the pants she needed in the morning. (Note to self: Josie needs more pants)

All the while I looked for you, scanning rooms as I walked. Looking under the pillows as I folded the blankets on the couches. Then under the couches as I double checked for sippy cups full of milk curdling to yogurt. I filed through all the bed rooms for the final round of good night kisses and peeked under beds and covers double checking for dirty clothes and random stuffed frogs that may have gotten shoved down under.

The house became a mansion as I made repeated circles through the rooms trying to think where you might be. Cabinets, closets and even backpacks were subjected to the search. (Though I must admit, the backpack search turned up a paper I was supposed to sign and return to school tomorrow) You, however, were nowhere to be found.

Cursing your dirty, flimsy body I planned your demise. I decided to tell Sawyer what a scoundral you really are. How you are but a shell of the thick, fluffy frog you once were. How as a newborn he had lived a very full life without you!

But then, I realized as I seached the playroom for the 47th time, that I would not cause Sawyer any more heartache than you already had. I love him too much for that.

And there you were; under the Doctor's Kit, beneath the SpongeBob Box O' Games, in the doll trunk, dressed in Lyra's shirt, face to face with Patty Go Potty. You scumbag!

I brought you to Sawyer and tucked you in next to him. Just your stench alone seemed to relax his face muscles from his typical grumpy old man scowl into an annoyed child expression (which is much softer and sweeter).

This round is yours, but don't think for one minute you have won. You are not irreplaceable you flattened anphibian. There could be another Frog. A greener, thicker stuffed, new car smelling Frog. There's a place I can go. A place full of every possible material item any parent could need. A place where frogs like you are a dime a dozen...a place called eBay.

So heed this warning and stay close my friend. Stay very close...especially at bedtime!!!!