What follows is the actual email I sent to Charlie.
I just sat down to write to you and the boys came in and now I can't
think!
Do you miss them? This is what's
happening:
C: You play baseball like a girl!
S: You play baseball like a lady! (Laaaaadddddyyyyy is long and drawn out and said in a very prissy tone)
C: You play baseball like a baby,
BABY! (The second use of the word "baby" rolls off his tongue with such revulsion and disdain, even I shiver.)
S: Charlie, you are a BEEP! (Really, he said the
word beep!)
C: Moooommmmm, he called me a beep!
M: Um, yeah, not really much I can do.
S: You play baseball like Yoda!
C: Thank you, Yoda plays baseball very
well.
M: He has the Force! (I laugh. No one else does. Thank goodness I can appreciate how funny I am!)
S: He just attacked me. (There has been little to no movement in my peripheral vision)
C: No I didn't!
S: Excuse me, he is a liar!
C: You don't know how to spell liar.
S: YOU don't know how to liar.
C: L-I-A-R
S: Mom is that right?
M: Yes
S: Snort/Growl noise emits from his direction.
C: Hahahahaha
S: Well, you don't know how to spell
"I."
C: There's two. I and E-Y-E.
S: There another I. It's called, I called you a
baby baby baby baby...
Should I go on?
Miss you!!!
Love you more~
M
Reading this 26 times in a row at 3am might just cause you to rethink that plan of having several children close together. If this has no effect, dump a pile of Lego's on the floor and then walk over them while rereading. In fact, if you would rather, I'd be happy to record the kids having the same or a very similar conversation and you could download it.
The most effective way to use this data is to blast it full volume while you try to do your taxes or while reading Shades of Gray. It will certainly help you concentrate while trying to replug all wires correctly back into the computer after your system has crashed. Ask two friends to mimic the conversation and simultaneously throw golf balls at you while you try to contort your body to fit behind and under your work station.
Another idea is to play it on your iPod while taking a nap. I would start with a very low volume and as you learn to sleep through it, increase it a bit each time. A seasoned mother sleeps right through that crap and will even be able to supplement with an occasional "knock it off" without missing a second of REM.
Want to have a bit of fun? Take the recording into the bathroom with you while you are having morning sickness. Turned up loud enough, the echo from the fight will overpower the echo of your retching. Have Friend 1 call your cell while Friend 2 is standing just outside the door (preferably banging and whining loud enough to be heard over the recording). Hopefully they have the sense to change your ring tone to Black Sabbath or some other dreadfully Heavy Metal band. Let the phone ring continuously at length and when finally answered. Have Friend 2 yell into the phone and through the bathroom door: "My Mom is doing spit 'em ups right now. Do you want to talk to her?" Have Friend 2 hold the phone so the background fight is coming clearly through the phone. Have Friend 2 tell you that it really isn't Friend 1, it's actually your Mother-In-Law, the older kids Principal, the President of the Junior League or any other figure that will make the insides of your stomach rush to the back of your throat.
Perhaps then, you may begin to feel just a touch of the pain you will be subjecting yourself to for the next 18+ years.
The most effective way to use this data is to blast it full volume while you try to do your taxes or while reading Shades of Gray. It will certainly help you concentrate while trying to replug all wires correctly back into the computer after your system has crashed. Ask two friends to mimic the conversation and simultaneously throw golf balls at you while you try to contort your body to fit behind and under your work station.
Another idea is to play it on your iPod while taking a nap. I would start with a very low volume and as you learn to sleep through it, increase it a bit each time. A seasoned mother sleeps right through that crap and will even be able to supplement with an occasional "knock it off" without missing a second of REM.
Want to have a bit of fun? Take the recording into the bathroom with you while you are having morning sickness. Turned up loud enough, the echo from the fight will overpower the echo of your retching. Have Friend 1 call your cell while Friend 2 is standing just outside the door (preferably banging and whining loud enough to be heard over the recording). Hopefully they have the sense to change your ring tone to Black Sabbath or some other dreadfully Heavy Metal band. Let the phone ring continuously at length and when finally answered. Have Friend 2 yell into the phone and through the bathroom door: "My Mom is doing spit 'em ups right now. Do you want to talk to her?" Have Friend 2 hold the phone so the background fight is coming clearly through the phone. Have Friend 2 tell you that it really isn't Friend 1, it's actually your Mother-In-Law, the older kids Principal, the President of the Junior League or any other figure that will make the insides of your stomach rush to the back of your throat.
Perhaps then, you may begin to feel just a touch of the pain you will be subjecting yourself to for the next 18+ years.
That is all.
++Dedicated to my sweet niece who is due with twin boys in August. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha++
++Dedicated to my sweet niece who is due with twin boys in August. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha++
Hahaha! This is great!
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