Several years ago, when the oldest of the kids were much younger than the youngest ones are now, I decided to celebrate Mother's Day by preparing a list of suggestions for them. If only they could have read at that point, perhaps I'd be a bit less gray today. I wrote an updated list a few years ago and feel it's time once again to "gently guide" my lovely children into becoming better human beings and less of a PITA!
When I thought about starting this list last night, not much came to mind. What a difference a difficult day makes.....enjoy!
1. If you are interested in spending more quality time with me, try removing your socks by the toe. I have a feeling that when I get to the pearly gates and am chatting with St. Peter about things I could've done differently, he's gonna chuckle before sending me on my way and say, "The amount of time you wasted on turning socks right side out.....dude!"
2. When I ask you to call your siblings for dinner and you stand next to me and blow out my ear drum and I say "I could've done that!" The right response is pretty much anything but "Well, why didn't you?" Flashing a "I know that was a completely smart alack thing to say" smile will only get you so far. The fact that I do not have a desire to spend the rest of my life behind bars has saved you more than you know!
3. Yelling "Mom!" for 10 minutes while you walk in a three foot radius will not make me appear. At least explore another room while you are yelling to give the pretense that you are actually looking for me. I will typically come to a main section of the house or to the top or bottom of the stairs. Meet me 1/2 way for Pete's sake. And for your own. Few things make me want to go Linda Blair on you more than you screaming and me running to you, only to find out you want me to bring you something. That is true death-wish material there.
4. I don't mind if you ask me where something is. It becomes more obvious as all of you get older that you have never once tried to open anything square or rectangular with a handle unless there is the promise of food behind it. So ask me where it is and 99 times out of 100 I will tell you the right location. So, GO LOOK THERE! A small piece of advise, if you come back and tell me it is not there, you better be 173% sure it is not there. At the very least 173%. Should I have to stop what I'm doing, go to the exact place I told you to look and hand the object to you, just plan on me not talking to you for a few hours and consider yourself lucky you didn't just stand in front of said object and scream "Mom!"
5. There is so much to say about church. I may need to do another list based solely on mass. You frequently sit comatose in front of the TV or computer for so many hours that I start doing pulse checks just to make sure you are breathing, but sitting still at church for one hour a week is apparently way too much to ask. So for now, I will just say, we all know that the guy (a Mother would've seen the problem with this a mile away) who decided it was a good idea for families to hold hands during the Our Father most certainly did not have more children than hands. That said, mass is a place to recharge your be-a-good-person battery, not the place to be condemned to a life in Hell.
6. I enjoy a good vine or you tube clip on occasion, but just because your generation has nothing better to do than spend their lives watching other people live, doesn't mean mine doesn't either. I love that you want to share things with me, and many times they are enjoyable. Just look away from the iPad and ponder this: (All 5 of you are smart enough to do the third grade math here) 5 kids x 3 videos each x an average of 7 minutes per video = A LARGE CHUNK OF MY DAY. So while I love Stampylongfoot as much as the next guy, I am not such a Minecraft junkie that I want to watch him play a computer game for 20 minutes!
7. I am not as lazy as you think I am. Sometimes when you leave something out or lying around: i.e. the jelly, nail polish, candy wrappers, I am just watching to see who, if anyone, will put it away. Sadly, you all get a big FAIL on this. If you ever wonder why the milk in the back of the fridge is open when you have just finished the carton from the front of the fridge, it's because I refuse to drink out of the carton that one of you left on the table for two hours. I just take one from the back and let you goons drink the science experiments. I ain't no dummy!
8. If I ask you to stop singing, or playing the flute or the drums, it is not because I think you stink. Really, I think you are very talented. The problem is, that in this house, any vibration of my eardrums is communicated to my brain as noise. Just. Noise. I could have Pacabel himself here tickling the ivories and mark my words, I would still on occasion say, "Pox, honey, could ya plug in the piano headphones?" I don't take it personally when you ask me not to dance, you shouldn't take it personally when I ask you not to sing or play...or laugh or breathe loudly on some days.
9. Learn how to ask for a ride!!! Apparently, my kids were sick the day they taught this life skill. I've said it 427 times, I have NO PROBLEM driving you or picking you up whenever I can. Even when I can't, I can usually make something work. May I suggest just a tiny thought process? (We aren't even doing the higher math of #6 here) Just ask your brain to flip though the other people who are going where you are going. There should be an epi-pen type devise that Moms can fill with tequila and use when they are sitting outside of a school dance at 10 PM in line with three other Mom's who live in a two block radius of our house. You go to track practice everyday, it never occurred to you that there are seven kids on your bus route that are also in track? I don't care if you are not best friends, give just a little thought to your mother's time and energy. I get that you don't want to be the kid that is always hounding everyone for a ride, but here's the thing. Daddy is gone, I am trying to get 5 kids, to 5 different places all within a 15 minute time frame. I never ever have a problem giving one of your friends a ride. 99% of military parents and 89% of civilian parents would completely understand that I cannot be two places at once. Those that don't should probably not be operating large machinery anyway.
10. When I said all I wanted for Mother's Day was a hug and a kiss, I was serious! You can't screw that up too much and I like to keep my expectations low. Daddy is not home, so I really can't have the day off anyway. (Not that I do when he's home either- No Mom is ever completely off the clock) so don't get caught up in the hype. Just be kind to each other, help me pick up the disaster that is this house, do your chores without me telling you 91 times, and try to keep the expulsion of bodily gases to a minimum. If you can do that, we will all have a wonderful, semi-good smelling day!
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