Dear Employees and Customers at Dick's Sporting Goods on the Pike who were there from 5-6pm on Tuesday, June 28,
Thank you for not making a very difficult situation worse.
Looking back, all the signs were there. On the way to the store, Sawyer said he didn't feel well. I carried him in and he felt warm. There were also storm clouds coming and impending rain somehow discombobulates him. (I realize that sounds crazy, but ask other Moms of Special Needs kids, I bet at least one will tell you the same.) Dick's is far enough away from home that once there, I did not want to leave without the lawn game Charlie had been begging for, the cheer shorts Josie needed for camp, a pair of cleats that were not falling apart for Lyra, and perhaps a basketball net for the pool. At best, I should've postponed the trip for another day, at worst, I should have gotten in and out as quickly as possible, but I saw a friend.
If you Google the word, this is what you get: Friend /frend/ noun - a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection.
If you ask me, this is what I would say: A lifeline. A person for whom I care about but am not in charge of raising. Someone who knows my situation, my chaos, my neurotic tendencies yet, still likes me enough to talk to me anyway, usually in a kind and reassuring manner!
Stupidly, I talked to said friend for far longer than I should have. I know better, but sometimes my craving for contact with others beyond my kids is so strong that I get selfish. I am that person who texts too much, needing to know there is life beyond my four walls and yet not enough time for a normal phone call or conversation. The kids did fine initially. Yes, I had all 5. (Should I start numbering the reasons this trip was a fail?)
The kids were getting restless and I figured it was time to get serious. Charlie and Sawyer had played a game with a friend about two weeks ago. Kuub or something. Since then, Charlie has asked EVERY DAY if we could go buy it. I refused, but then found an unused VISA gift card from Christmas which I could use to pay for it. I looked in every store in Carlisle with no luck. I promised the trip to Dick's to finally purchase the thing and get him off my back.
I sent Lyra off to find some cleats, Josie off to look for her shorts after pulling up the email to see what colors were required, Tali was admiring herself in a baseball hat, and I went to see if they had this game that was invading my ability to have a conversation with my son about anything else! I told the boys they could go to the putting green as that is the reason that Dick's is the sports store of choice.
While I was in aisle 258 looking at the dwindling supply of lawn games, Sawyer apparently whacked several golf clubs baseball style with the putter in his hand after losing a game to Charlie. The winner ran up first stumbling over his words- from the sounds of it, Sauce had taken down the entire golf dept and perhaps tennis too. I sent one of the girls to surmise the damage and report back to me. Sawyer glared at me when he arrived repeating, "Not Fair, Not Fair, Not Fair." He dropped to the floor in a ball and sat muttering to himself quietly while the rest of us debated the merits of a pool basketball hoop that also doubles as a volleyball net VS a more durable hoop that is twice the cost. The consensus was to wait, maybe they would go on sale. I hated to do that to them, but at that moment, I had to agree.
Once that was decided and I was informed that there seemed to be no permanent damage to the store, it's merchandise, any employees or customers- I announced we were leaving. I told Sawyer that he would need to come with me to apologize to the employees in the golf section of the store. He said, "NO!" with a tone that exhausted me. This was not going to be good.
I am trying to keep from playing the Special Needs card with Sawyer. He's the youngest, he's spoiled and so many times I don't have the energy to parent him the way I would my other kids. There, I said it! I will own the fact that he gets away with shit because I am tired. But, in an effort to hold him accountable, I've been working on leveling the playing field. I told him again he would have to apologize. He kicked off his slides in my direction. Honestly, I don't know if they even hit me. Josie asked for the keys and said she would take Sawyer to the car. It would've been easier, yes, but I knew I should really follow through. I gave her the keys and permission for any of the others to bail right then and there. She was the only one who left.
I picked up Sawyer, (sometimes my ability to carry 50 lbs of dead weight impresses even me) and we walked toward the other side of the store. I told the kids to meet us at the registers. I didn't say anything until Sawyer asked where we were going. I told him to apologize and again he said, "No." I sent a quick plea to Mary, Jesus' Mom, for strength and continued through the store.
We arrived in the forest of clubs and all the employees were with customers. I knew I didn't have much of a window so after a quick and calculated scan of my options, I went to the female employee at the counter who was talking to a woman about my age who looked like a Mom. They were in mid-conversation and I cringed knowing how annoying I was about to be, but I blurted, "Excuse me. My son has something to say to you." By the grace of God, they both looked at me and Sawyer with kind and gentle faces. The sales girl raised her eyebrows and Sawyer lifted his head that had been buried in Frogs and Blanket on my shoulder and seethed "Sorry!" with a stabbing hiss. The two then looked at me for explanation and I explained, "I was on the other side of the store and Sawyer swung a club and hit some other clubs...all I really know is that he needed to apologize to someone."
The girl said, "Well, I work in shoes, this isn't my department. Don't worry I'm sure it's fine." So sweet, but I needed Sawyer to understand it wasn't completely fine. The customer got it. She said, "You know what? It's not always easy to apologize and you did a great job. I would probably be having a bad day too if I was in this cool store but had to shop for pink shorts!" I realized then I was holding Josie's shorts in my hand. I almost laughed. I thanked them and headed to the front.
We were in line behind two people. I put him down which was a mistake. Despite the quick transactions there was time for Sawyer to see the gum he wanted when we entered the store. My foggy memory told me I had not promised the gum, but said "Maybe." Not buying the gum would be the consequence for any of the other kids. I stuck to my guns. I told him he couldn't have the gum, perhaps next time. He said, "I want it now."
He immediately moved about 5 feet away and assumed the ball position at the entrance to the register. At this point, Charlie was telling me that the sales girl told him he could order the game he wanted on line and it would come to the store. It was too much to process. Lyra handed me the cleats that she picked out, tried on, and was happy with and I put them on the counter. I offhandedly asked her, "How much are these anyway?" I hadn't even looked in the box, much less at the side. "I don't know." (Lyra is not super money conscious when I am footing the bill.) Tali smiled sweetly and said, "Can I get the hat?"
As I'm looking at her and keeping tabs on Sawyer a manager walked by. "Hey Buddy! Are you okay?" I smiled and said "He's fine, thank you." He looked at me and I could see the wheels turning. "Are you okay?" he said again, making a point to ask Sawyer and not me. Everyone within earshot, looked at my nine year old child who was hugging his knees, rocking slightly, and quietly repeating the word "now." I know he was torn and I was trying to stay calm and forced a probably too cheerful smile and said, "No really. We're good. Thanks though." Meanwhile, I was calculating the time it would take for him to call social services and if I could make it out of the parking lot before they arrived.
My child is not dumb, unfortunately at school this year, whenever he got loud, he was given what he wanted. The repetition was endless and got a bit louder. He wasn't yelling the word by any means, but it was a constant beating of the drum. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now.
I looked at the side of the box and saw what Lyra's cleats were going to cost me. I looked at her and said, "This says $200. Are they on sale?" "I don't know." Now, seems an appropriate time to tell you that one of the things I was telling my friend at the beginning of this excursion was that I have had my eye on a tennis racket for the last six months, but $50 seemed a ridiculous amount to spend on something I wanted when the kids NEEDED things like shorts and cleats.
I don't even know why I asked the girl to check the price, everyone there KNEW I was buying those cleats because at that moment, the box could have said $500 and I'm fairly certain I would've paid it for the reward of leaving the store and not needing to come back. They were in fact $179 and somehow that made me feel slightly better.
As time ticked and Sawyer rocked, other customers came up to pay for their things. Sawyer was blocking the walkway back to our register and I went over and picked him up.
Still the throb in the background, "Now. Now. Now. Now. Now." To the credit of the cashier, and the other workers in the vicinity, they played the game my kids have learned. Pretend you don't hear a thing. I threw about 13 coupons, offers, and my rewards card on the counter and said, "See what you can do for me." She so patiently looked through everything and applied whatever discounts she could.
Sawyer gave me a louder "Now!" right in my face somewhere along the line. I matter of factly said, "No." He hauled off and punched me square in the throat. There was a time where I would've been bracing for a punch or a kick, but it's been a long time since Sawyer really hurt me so I was unprepared. Once I knew he did not crush my windpipe I sensed my kids concern, and just quietly said, "Do not hit me." At this point it occurred to me that if that manger had called the police, maybe I would be considered the victim- I almost laughed which kept the tears from coming.
The bill came to $234 which seemed high, but I did not inherit my mother's math skills. I didn't question the total as again, I would've paid almost anything to get out of there. As I am writing this at 5:42 am, I went to get and double check the receipt. She rang up Tali's $30 baseball hat (which Tali told me was $20) twice. The fact that this was the only mistake in the midst of the exchange is impressive.
Sawyer kicked his shoes off again and Tali matter of factly walked to pick them up almost as if we were in some sort of "After School Special." The plight of a teenage girl with a single mom and a bunch of siblings, one with Special Needs. Like we were going to have to get on a bus to ride home and eat our TV dinners. I realized once again, my kids aren't perfect, but they are good. Even Charlie had abandoned the "can we order the game before we leave" idea. Unfortunately or fortunately, they know the drill. Mom needs to focus on Sawyer, don't make it harder for her.
We left the store as the drum beat got louder. Perhaps he knew that he could release his frustration more in the open air, or maybe he felt the last possible seconds of gum slipping from his grasp. As I crossed the threshold of the double doors, the monotone thump of "Now" became a relentless scream of "NOW!" The kids and I walked silently to the car amid the screaming. Someone opened the side door for me and I tried to put him in the seat. Like a toddler, he immediately arched his back so I could not buckle him in. Then he started to flail, but I was prepared and he did not get me too badly. His next course of action was to start picking up things to throw out of the van, but I shut the door.
I sat in the drivers seat and concentrated on breathing. It's amazing how sometimes amid the screaming I can almost shut it all out to silence. Hard to explain, but like you are watching a movie during a war scene and they cut off the volume. Surreal. Another exhale and the silence was shattered. I told Sawyer I was not moving the car until he buckled. That was when I noticed Charlie crying. It's hard. I need to get that child some help to deal with his brother, but that fire has not gotten big enough to cause more than a thought of "I need to..." here and there. I am guessing that Josie who has a knack for getting Sawyer to comply got his seatbelt on.
The radio was off and the 20 minute car ride was silent except for the constant repetition of the word "now" which was slowly getting quieter and quieter. As we turned onto our street, Tali looked back at him and whispered for me to look. I did.
My child. My sweet beautiful boy was lying with his head on the middle seat, sweaty, hair a mess, looking like any other exhausted 9 year old. No noise was coming out of his mouth, but he continued to move his lips...."now."
I am grateful. Grateful that we live in a world where people seem to have a better understanding of kids who have issues. I know that it is certainly not always the case, but in this instance, today, in this store, I was treated with nothing but kindness and compassion. The employees did not skip a beat, did not glare at me, did not yell at my kids, did not let on that we were anything but just another family on a trip to the sports store. So thank you Dick's for the understanding. This is meant to be a compliment, so don't take it as a threat. We will be back!
Sincerely,
The weary single mom of 5 athletic kids who always seem to need something
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