Wish you were here!

Dear Charlie~

I was going to write you a note and post it on FB, but by the time all the following events occurred, my monologue had run so long in my head, I knew I needed more room. 

What I wanted to tell you initially, was that I mailed the flasks that you asked me to mail.  (Actually, that is now a lie, but you'll understand as you continue to read this)  There were two on the desk, so I hope that is all you are counting on.

Thank you for warning me to check for liquids before mailing them.  I would certainly not want to mail anything that is "liquid, fragile, perishable, or hazardous." One flask was almost full of whiskey!  I started to feel drunk as soon as I opened it when the smell burst forth and up my nose.  Because money is tight and only going to get tighter (I'll explain below) I drank the whiskey instead of pouring it down the drain.  Thank you for that as well!

After rinsing out both containers I found a perfect box to mail them in.  It is a Schwann's "Lasagna Roll Ups" box.  That was the next thing I wanted to tell you.  When you see this box, please know ahead of time that it does NOT contain frozen food from the truck you are so fond of.  You may even see it as a tease, but I didn't mean for it to be, it was a dimension thing.  Rest assured, the Schwann's man misses you too and is very excited for your possible future employment with the company.

I had the flasks in the box and was trying to tape it up only to find the mailing tape was MIA.  I know I used it right before we left for FL to pack up your birthday gifts which arrived a week late.  (I've been meaning to tell you, I think the Kazak calendar may just be a week or two ahead of the rest of the world.  It could happen!) I went looking for the tape.

It is always on the shelf going to the basement and I couldn't imagine where else it would be; this house being the definition of organization and all.  I searched high and low for a good 20 minutes, even going to the third floor.  This required a conversation with Tali who is home sick from school.  I have diagnosed her upset stomach as a side effect of raging hormones and teenage angst.  "Why would I know where the tape is? I don't use tape."  Oh, right.  Of course you don't.  Sorry for disturbing you Ms. Blair!

This would be a good spot to stop and tell you that I have already been to a dentist appt w/ Lyra this morning who announced on the way, "I didn't do all my homework last night, so after the appt we need to go home so I can finish it."  To which I replied, "Certainly dear, I really had nothing planned in that 45 minutes between your appt and your brother and sister's appt." 

After I finished Lyra's homework, we drove back to Ike to pick up B. Charlie for his orthodontist consult.  On the way I got a text from Tali saying, "Come get me, I'm gonna throw up."  I resisted the urge to write back, "No, I'd rather have you in the car AFTER you puke." 

Lyra went to class, I dropped off two six packs of Ensure with the nurse.  Sawyer's consumption of liquid gold has only increased as his weight and food intake has decreased.  Mo money, mo money, mo money! 

Charlie got in the car and babbled about several things I'm sure.  I just couldn't tell you what they are because I wasn't listening.  I went to pick up Tali and told the secretary to check the nurses' office.  "I just got a text saying she felt sick."  There was no intention of throwing her under the bus, but the secretary squawked, "Please remind your daughter she is not allowed to text in class."  I resisted the urge to say, "Please remind your attitude not to be such a bitch!"  (I'm getting good at the resisting thing)

At the orthodontist, Tali was reprimanded for not wearing her rubber bands.  I wanted to whisper "Don't poke the monster," but I doubt they would've listened anyway.  The best part of the visit was when the Dr. told me that it is imperative to begin "Phase I" of B.Charlie's orthodontic plan as soon as possible.  Considering just implementing the plan consists of four separate appointments and the phase itself will take about one year, I was afraid to ask how many "Phases" there will be.  Suffice to say that "The Gerard Jaw" is quite the swimmer in our gene pool.  There will be a palate widener along with a facial mask and other equipment that will have B. Cha resembling the girl in "16 Candles" who couldn't get a drink from the fountain.  Mo money, mo money, mo money!

I think the least the Orthodontist could do is "gift us" the frequent flier miles he earns after we pay for his trip around the world.  Maybe I'll suggest that to him.

Meanwhile, back to the tape, I finally decided to give up and use duct tape on the box and scotch tape on the label.  For me, this is akin to biting strait into a full Kit-Kat bar without breaking one rectangle off and nibbling the chocolate from the sides.  I don't usually "do" non-mailing tape on a parcel, but I was trying to get to the Post Office before they took their 1-3:30 siesta!  What a crock!  What place of business in the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA closes from 1-3:30?  We ain't THAT close to Mexico! Errrr, don't get me started.

After making sure Tali was tucked in and not planning the demise of me or her siblings, I went back downstairs to find the tape on the dining room table.  Both rolls together, mocking me as they lay on their flat sides.  I loudly exclaimed, "Father Fred, I realize it's close to Halloween, but today is not mischief night or even mischief day and I'm in no mood for reindeer games or ghost games or whatever you call them!"

I looked at the kitchen clock, 12:55.  It's a few minutes fast so I had a decent chance of making it.  I probably should've walked considering the amount of whiskey I'd consumed but I was in a hurry.  Besides, the only kids out and about in the middle of a weekday are home schoolers. (Before anyone freaks out---I'M KIDDING....sort of) I was getting in the car when a maintenance man comes out of our street long carport/shelter/sad excuse for a community garage.  The whole awning like thing in the front is sagging and looking like it's gonna collapse at any moment.   The floor of our spot is covered in water.  (Did I mention it's been raining for 12 hours?) 

"Ma'am, do you get water in your garage all the time?"  I resisted the urge to say, "Well, considering there's NO DOOR, yes." (Really good!)  I told him the truth, I had no idea if we always get water along the side and back wall during a heavy rain.  That was the other thing I wanted to ask; Do we get water along the side and back wall during a heavy rain?  Maintenance wants to know.

There was a discussion of a neighbor moving their car out of the structure because the worker needed to rope it off with Caution Tape.  I resisted the urge to ask for a piece to put across Tali's doorway. (Really, REALLY good)  As I drove down the back alley they were constructing a barrier.  Can't wait for Sawyer to come home to find out his new scooter has been quarantined.  He's such happy-go-lucky guy, he'll certainly be understanding of the situation.

I pulled up to the Post office at 1:02 and could hear the snoring from the parking lot.  So the LAST thing I want to tell you is that I will mail your package after 3:30 this afternoon.

I love you and miss you~

Me