I still am at times, but as they do, circumstances change. I have changed. Last year, I was in survival mode. Only a few close friends knew my marriage was ending. I was unable to tell my parents because I did not want them worrying about me. I was unable to tell my kids because I did not want to disrupt their lives prematurely. I was unable to tell myself that I was going to survive.
So while 2014 was about making decisions and coming to the realization that I could not stay in my marriage, all the while trying to hold it together so my terror was not visable from the outside, 2015 was different.
2015 was about putting it out there. The good, but mostly the bad and the ugly.
It was about inviting my Dad to lunch and chugging a Mikes in the Panera parking lot at 11 am to work up the courage to tell him. (Hey, I suggested several establishments that served alcohol, he was stuck on Panera- desperate times and all that)
It was about deciding to wait until school got out for the summer before telling the kids, yet telling every one of their teachers, counselors, coaches, and mentors in case they found something out unexpectedly and needed those adults in their lives to be ready to give them immediate support.
It was about crumbling into a ball at the top of the stairs when Tali looked at me one day and said, "Mom, are you okay? Do you need to talk?" And bless her heart, she sat silently with me and when I finally pulled it together gave me a hug saying, "It's gonna be okay" even when she had absolutely no idea why her mother was a mess.
It was about losing it while talking to the cheer coach because something had happened and I didn't have the strength to deal with Josie's anxiety when I was drowning in my own.
It was about dragging myself out of bed at 5 am and going to the gym with Lyra even though I had cried or been awake all night and promising myself that someday, SOMEDAY, she would realize what a sacrifice it was.
It was about trying to ensure Charlie had a good year at school even though he was not thriving. Trying to have time and energy for a boy who was trying to figure out how to transition from cute little kid to awkward pre-adolescent, while I was trying to figure out how to make the transition from Army wife to single Mom.
It was about falling apart at IEP meetings because I felt so inadequate when the school personnel told me it would be better to have him arrive early for school instead of 5 minutes late everyday. (Timeliness has never been my forte. Being depressed does not help.)
It was about bursting into tears at the craziest of places because of the stupidest things.
And it was about growing.
It was about realizing that I had love and support from more people than I could imagine.
It was about learning that I am stronger than I realize.
It was about learning that falling apart doesn't always mean you are weak. Sometimes, something just has to give.
It was about seeing the compassion in people when I started to say my reality out loud and finding out that the world was still turning regardless of my marital status.
It was about sucking it up and going on vacation "as a family" to show the kids that we can all still get along. (Yes, Rodney King, we can)
It was about spending my first holiday alone and realizing a day on the calendar isn't what makes time with family special.
It was about forgiving myself for not turning in the paperwork on time, for forgetting someone had practice, for being late to yet another meeting, appointment, therapy session.
It was about figuring out that yes, the Mike's dulled the pain in the evening, but it also dulled the ability to function the next day. (And weighing the cost-benefit analysis of that particular problem)
And it was about loving myself.
It was about accepting that I may be desirable.
It was about learning to take a compliment.
It was about laughing with friends.
It was about getting out of the house! (Who knew a world of lunches, happy hour, and dancing with the girls still existed?)
It was about allowing the kids to see me as more than just a Mom and understand that I deserve to have a life too. (This second part is still a work in progress)
It was about seeing myself as Mary again, and trying to remember who she was and wanting to find out who she will be.
It was about having the openness to love again.
It was about taking the chance to trust again.
It was about finding out that when someone lets you down, you have a choice to lay there or to pick yourself up and keep going.
It was about being stubborn enough to push through the pain, not give in to the demons (or mean people), and know that Mary is worthy of good things.
It was about completely forgetting the statement I just typed above and learning it again. And again. And again. And yes, again.
It was about still believing in the fairy tale, no matter how many times you see it slip through your hands.
It was about the reality check of reeling it all back in and reevaluating my priorities.
Yes, I am still bitter. Check back in an hour and you'll be amazed at my hostility regarding marriage, single parenthood, special needs, anxiety, aging parents, the unfairness of the world on any and every level. BUT, I am trying to find the happy. Or maybe even just the contentment in this life o' mine.
2016 is going to be a good year! I'm excited to see what it brings.
This year will mean a house for the kids and I to make into our home. A HOME! Not a rental, not post housing, no white walls- the possibilities are endless!
This year will mean more independence, more responsibility, more growing up for myself as well as the kids. And we will succeed and fail together.
This year will mean so many things.
Scary? Yes.
Exciting? Most definitely!
So 2015, I would be lying if I said I wasn't glad to see you end, but I am thankful for what you gave me. Insight, growth, strength, love, and hope. You may not be remembered fondly, but you shall be remembered.
Yay Mary! There are no words to really match all the feelings I have here..sadness, bitterness, it was hard to watch from afar unable to help or probably say anything worthy of the situation. Mostly though, I feel so proud of you for pushing thru. Keep going! 2016 holds good, new things.
ReplyDeleteAnd may I add your girls, I'm so thankful for their maturity and helping you, even when they didn't quite know the details. I know they will honor you and care for you as you have done for them. You remind me that being "real" is the only way to be, and that my truest friends will understand.
Bravo young lady. I loved reading your blog entry. Is it OK to share. You are all in my prayers. What has brought you the most comfort during those times. I am so proud of you for writing this. It takes courage and you are full of it. God bless you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for making me cry and relive the past.... I can honestly substitute my name in every "Mary" space. The good news is there is life after.....after you pull your head out of the sand and look around...there is more than mom and mother to your existence. I am still searching for myself.... but have come miles from where I was and where you are. As someone who has walked this road, just know, even after years it gets better, but is still hard. Balancing what is selfishness against self preservation, and expectations, yours against those of others, you must find a balance. The key is to keep moving forward, baby steps, one foot in front of the other, and trying always to be a glass half full kind of person! You are on your way, 2016 will be a great year. Now please start writing a book....you have a way of putting into words so many things that we can all relate to, learn from and aspire to... You got this Mary!
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