Mother’s Day 2012

Several years ago when Charlie was gone for Mother’s Day I wrote 10 tips for the kids. My thought process was that since they could not get me a gift without their father’s help, I would give them ideas of things to do or NOT do which would make me happy. The list was chock full of helpful hints to keep the girls and I all out of therapy.   (I believe I posted it here in May 2010 if you'd like to read the original)

It was a valiant attempt, but seeing as the girls were 5, 4, and 2; they couldn’t read and therefore did not follow them. I guess I shoulda thought of that and read it to them instead of taping 481 copies randomly around the house.

It really doesn’t seem like it was that long ago, but it was. I didn’t even have the boys! (Why didn’t anyone tell me to stop while I was ahead?) The kids are now 13, 12, 10, 7, & 5 and I’ve been thinking that a new set of tips is in order. Now that they can all read, maybe they will heed these a bit more. Certainly that would shorten the length of needed therapy for all of us and save some money in the long run! I tried to used the topics that apply to all the kids, but a few belong more to the girls (who are currently enveloped in hormones riddled with ADHD) and a few lean toward the boys (two clouds of dirt that are either moving rapidly on a collision course toward each other or are asleep).

Authors Note:  Due to the length of the article, I have bolded the main idea of any point that is longer than 4 lines, so feel free to skip through and just get the highlights.  Also, I usually go over a post for two or three days before publishing.  Since I wrote this last night, I didn't have that luxury.  Just sayin'.

1. You are growing and your music taste has begun to develop. You have moved beyond The Wiggles and Barney and it does make me a bit sad. However, as I have a plethora of genre interests, we will most likely be able to amicably share the radio while in the car. (NOTE: This does not pertain to your father) Despite my enjoyment of current pop music, there will be times I come across a station that plays the songs of my formative years. I’ll give you a clue: Embrace the 80’s and our relationship can only be one of peace and harmony! Please know that Brother’s love of Michael Jackson has surpassed all my hopes and dreams. Subsequently, he’s gotten big points, ones the rest of you will never be able to attain unless you do one of the following: become a rockin’ female drummer (to the likes of Mary Stuart Masterson in Some Kind of Wonderful) or prove that you are somehow a reincarnation of Madonna or Molly Ringwald (who are both still alive by the way, so don’t bet on it)!

2. Rolling your eyes is annoying. And obnoxious. And very bratty. Apparently there is a class every tween is invited to attend in order to perfect this move and you’ve all passed with flying colors! I would like to inform you, though, that one of these times your eyes are going to get stuck in that position and you will be forced to look upward 24/7. Not only will this give you a permanent headache and reduce your field of vision, it will also make people think you may be having a seizure in which case they will hold you down and try to shove objects into your mouth to ensure you don’t swallow your tongue. Such episodes will be very inconvenient when you are at social functions involving the opposite sex. (Think: The Prom) This will also nullify any thoughts you may have of cheating off your neighbors’ paper unless you can do a perfect handstand on your chair…not likely.

3. Leaving Legos, trains, Matchbox cars or any other type of non-malleable toy on the floor of your bedroom and then calling me in there at 2 AM to get you a drink of water will never count as a gift certificate for a foot massage. NEVER!

4. Let’s just get this one over with now, YOU ARE NOT FAT! Should your eating and exercise habits lead you to a place that begins to become unhealthy, I will tell you, I swear! And I will not let you out of the house in something that is unflattering and/or will cause you to be mocked! You have to trust me on this and not The Mean Girls. This is a whole chapter that we will get into in a year or so, but for now, let’s save the money spent on hospital co-pays, laxatives, and vomit cleaner and go shopping instead! This tip is a two-fer: CUTTING YOURSELF IS NOT COOL! Again, trust me on this. It has lost any shock value and cannot even be qualified as “a call for help” if “everyone’s doing it!” You’ll have scars that years from now the cameras will zoom in on while you are raising your hand in the courtroom to defend yourself. Also, the same girls who are saying you’re fat will feel free to tell any cute guy at school that you’re a cutter which will completely freak him out, resulting in his decision to ask out one of said Mean Girls instead of you. There’s also the whole flesh-eating bacterial infection possibility that should give you cause to hesitate and spend your money on gum and make up rather than straight razors!

5. As we briefly touched on acceptable fashion in # 4, I’ll go on to discuss another clothing issue that grates on my nerves like nails on a chalkboard. (Before you ask, chalkboards are those things that teachers used to write on before they had smart boards) Shoes are not an optional accessory when one is wearing socks! I am completely unaware how this became so normal to all of you. I enjoy wearing socks in the house, it keeps my feet warm. When I go outside, pay attention, this part is key; I TAKE OFF THE SOCKS OR PUT ON SHOES! It’s really quite simple. That way, I am barefoot and unprotected, yet relatively normal OR shoed, protected, and not looking like TRAILER TRASH! The money I spend on bleaching and/or replacing your socks could have sent Sawyer to college. (Your greedy, selfish brother and sisters are truly sorry Sauce!) As long as we’re on the subject, turning your socks right side out before you put them in the hamper will earn you points…big Michael Jackson-type points!

6. I make dinner, most of the time, when I am required to by the fact that your father is not deployed. I do not enjoy it, and frankly, put as little effort into it as possible. So turning your nose up at what is on the table doesn’t bother me in the least. Eat it, don’t eat it, whatever. But here’s the deal: What I make is what’s for dinner. You want something else? Knock yourself out! Remember though, you are now providing your own dining choice and therefore are in charge of any alternate utensils, dishes, beverages needed. I am not a waitress – anyone who ate at the Brick, NJ Pizza Hut in the summer of 1987 will assure you of that. I will not get up to get you a bowl for cereal, or the spoon you forgot, or put a hot dog in the microwave. I am ready to eat and am most likely hungry and cranky as it usually takes 15-20 minutes for everyone to bother moseying on over to the table after I’ve yelled “Dinner!” about 27 times. You have my word that as soon as your father deploys again we’ll go back to a diet of nuggets, mac-n-cheese, cereal, and, on special occasions, breakfast for dinner!

7. As long as we’re talking about eating dinner, I suppose I should say something about manners. Ugly things, manners. Such a point of contention around here. Bottom line: You know you’re basics and you all do a fair job of using them. “Pleases” and “Thank Yous” are heard with minimal prompting. There isn’t much SEE-food at the table. Holding in bursts of bodily gases could use a bit of work, but honestly, I think you’re fine. The problem is, when other people are around, you need to step it up a notch. It matters to your Dad and so you should make an effort. Am I going to send you to hoity toity finishing school? No, because then you would annoy me and I’d be forced to get rid of you. But do us all a favor and play the game when people are around who care. You know who they are and you know the rules; you’ve been corrected on anything I didn’t bother to learn. Company does not live with us, nor do they stay forever- regardless of how it feels. Suck it up! Sit up straight, elbows off the table, and all that crap. You can go back to hovering over your morning cereal bowl soon enough.

8. Chores are a part of life. The sooner you accept that and just do them, the easier life will be. What is being asked of you is not that much, really. You say the word and I am happy to pull up videos on the computer of children walking miles to fetch and carry water back to their home for the day. I guarantee there are kids in a 50 mile radius of this house who have to get up early to do farm chores. Milk the cows, feed the chickens, muck the stalls. You guys wouldn’t last one week in a house like that. Then there are the kids who don’t go to school because they have to go to work, like a job, something lovely like cleaning bathrooms or selling their bodies; you know, easy stuff. There’s a video I saw not too long ago where a Dad shot a hole through his daughter’s computer because she was complaining on Facebook about having too many chores to do. I have his phone number on speed dial and there is a shrine to him on the third floor. (Of course you wouldn’t know that because you are all too scared to go up there) But we’ve moved beyond Super Nanny kids, Jo is no longer my first line of defense!

9. YOU ARE NOT FAT! And CUTTING DOES NOT MAKE YOU COOL! Sorry, but it’s worth repeating. That reminds me, I’m waiting on new mirrors for your rooms and bathrooms. They are at the engravers!

10. I’ve saved this for last because I feel a bit guilty about the whole thing. I know that because Santa puts presents under the tree and the Tooth Fairy puts money under your pillow when she isn’t sick or too tired to fly that night, you believe in all kinds of magical creatures. I’ve performed the duties long enough and I have to come clean for all of your sakes. It’s not so much that I have lied, it’s that I never explained the whole truth. Your BobBob would call it a “lie of omission” as he learned that from his 7th grade nun-teacher. He’s big on the whole “lie of omission” thing if you’ve got some time. But I digress…or at least I stall. Here’s the truth, the sad, pathetic, painful truth: There are no Bathroom Gnomes. That’s right……I know it hurts, but we’ll get through this together. You see, at midnight, the toilet rolls don’t automatically re-wrap themselves into a full roll. Where do you think you get those cardboard things to make school projects from? Also, the soap dispenser doesn’t stay full at all times like the loaves and fishes. I know this will blow your mind, but there aren’t tiny men with an intricate pulley system lifting the towels off the floor and folding them nicely on the rack! They really don’t ride around on the Scrubbing Bubbles that you see on TV. There is no such thing as a Scrubbing Bubbles Rodeo! I’ve heard you speculate from time to time and just never stepped in to clarify. It gets worse too. The Gnomes also do not clean your underwear before I wash it. I can only assume that’s what you think! Certainly, any normal child would be embarrassed enough to start wiping their bum if they knew their mother was forced to deal with washing it out! Again, the money I spend on bleach….we could go to Disney World!

So there you have it, my wishes for Mother's Day that, if followed, would make my life a happier one!

I pray that Mother's everywhere are given the day off and are showered with love!