Letter to the General

I was missing Charlie the other night (pretty much like every night, except the ones where I'm too tired and delirious to miss anything) and I decided that maybe I should write someone a letter to let them know that I really needed him to come home.

One of the Generals over there is a family member's friend that I got to know several years ago. It was during my early 20s when I was not nearly as calm, refined and cultured as I am today. Hard to believe, I know!

Anyway, this is what I'd like to tell him:


Dear General Whom-I-Knew-Many-Moons-Ago:

Please let Charlie come home now as I am tired of his extended play date in Iraq. He has had fun, but is now needed at home b/c I am losing my mind. In order to maintain any amount of my sanity, which is currently down to ounces, he needs to leave your playground and return to my war zone.

BTW, as I am known as a 'helicopter Momma' I may as well be known as a 'helicopter Wife' and feel the need to let you know you have a pretty boy living next to my husband who is complaining about his need for beauty sleep. It would be nice if you could re-locate Zack Efron to where he would not be kept awake by my husbands TV, perhaps instead he could fall asleep to the sounds of IEDs or shells hitting the perimeters of his building.

Getting back to my husband; I wouldn't ask if I really didn't need this favor. You see we have five kids, yeah, stop laughing General Whom-I-Used-To-Party-With, and they have morphed into psychotic monsters while Charlie has been away. Today, I took them to a swimming party and Josie felt the need to hide Lyra's clothes in a different locker than Lyra left them in. This made Lyra so angry that she went to the stall where Josie was getting dressed and pulled the towel out from the bottom of the stall. Unfortunately, Josie was standing on the towel at the time which only confirmed that the floor was made of concrete.

I brought the two of them to the car and left Tali with Baby Charlie at the party so he could have some cake. As they came out and I went to meet them, I was informed by one of the other mothers that Baby Charlie had pushed her son for no reason and her son had pushed Baby Charlie back and knocked him over. Although he got the brunt of it, she was sure to emphasize that Baby Charlie started it. Makes a mother proud!

Later in the day, I was informed that Baby Charlie had broken a glass bottle outside the back door. When interrogated, he said "That was like 3 yesterdays ago and besides TJ told me to do it." This was reassuring as when questioned about hiding Lyra's clothes, Josie's response was "Tali told me to." I really think that if Charlie is not returned to maintain order in this house, my children will grow up susceptible to suggestions and end up jumping off bridges.

So you see, General I've-Seen-You-Sing-Paradise-By-The-Dashboard-Lights, no one here listens to me! Maybe you could break the cycle. Pretend like you care about what I have to say and that you are not only just hearing words, but realize that these words have meaning and perhaps there is a request of action among them!

I am well aware that there are many, many real 'Army Wives' who have had multiple deployments of 12 or even 15 months. These women somehow manage to feed, clothe, and even bath their children on a regular basis without maiming anyone in the household. I cannot promise the same. Somewhere I heard "The first step is to admit you have a problem." HELLO, Houston?...it ain't goin' so well!!!

I am low on rations, ammo, and Mike's Hard Lemonade. Aw hell, if I thought lawyers, guns, and money would help, I'd tell ya to send them! But what I need is my children's father. No one can put the fear of God into those creatures like he can. (That thought alone makes my heart smile)

I will be available to pick him up at the airport any time, day or night. Don't worry about compensating me for the duct tape and rope to keep the kids immobile at home while I go. If time is a problem, he really doesn't even need you land at the airport. I have runway lights lining the front porch and Charlie does a mean PLF.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, remember who I am, and figure out who my husband is. And of course, returning him to front lines of my household.

Respectfully~

Mrs LTC Charles Carlton