Ernie: "Sorry Bert, I can't hear you, I have a banana in my ear."

It had been awhile since I paid a late night visit to the local ER. I suppose it was time.

To set the stage, Sawyer was diagnosed with yet another double ear infection and bronchitis on a Friday afternoon. This child has been the king of ear infections. Seriously, he looks at an ear, and his get infected.

Since this incident we have had a second set of tubes put in and his adenoid removed. I may as well tell you now, as much as I have read about adenoids and their removal, I still have no idea exactly what an adenoid is and how they actually removed it. Considering that I had to get up at 5am and leave at 6am to drive to KC for the surgery, it had damn well better stop the infections. I don't want my lack of sleep to be for nothing. I value my sleep. Or hadn't you noticed?

Regardless, this was pre-2nd set of tubes. We had gotten the diagnosis and started the antibiotics, the decongestants, and the nebulizer treatments. This was fun, because I usually have nothing but time on my hands and I had been looking for a new hobby.

Charlie was TDY for two weeks to Tampa. Rough business trip, huh? I am much more forgiving of the Army for taking my husband away when they send him to Afghanistan, Iraq, or even Fargo...but I have no sympathy for him having to go teach a class in Tampa. Especially when the class is three hours a day...hmmmm, should I go to the beach before I have a beer, or after?

Anyway, the point is that I was alone w/ 5 kids which is when things tend to go wrong. I had Brother and Sawyer in the tub. Sawyer was screaming when I rinsed his hair as usual. The child certainly has his quirks and sensitivity is one. I figured it may hurt b/c of the infection. I said "Do your ears hurt?" He ignored me in true Sawyer fashion. He had calmed down and started playing w/ Brother again when he started laughing and said "Jo Jo's food in my ear!"

"What?!?" I almost fell in the tub. I didn't have kids that stuck stuff in their orifices. They were weird kids, but not orifice sticking kids.

"Jo Jo food...in here!" He was painfully proud! After a few minutes I realized that I just kept repeating "What?" to everything he said. And everything he said revolved around dog food in his ear. My dad tells a story in his book "The Road to Catoctin Mountain" about a friend who got a bean stuck in his ear. Because of the moisture in his ear, the bean swelled and the end result was not pretty. (You'll have to buy the book now - you're welcome, Dad)

As I pondered that story I've heard a hundred times, all I can think is; forget about inner ear moisture, let's talk about the bucket of water I just poured over Sauce's head. I may as well have tilted his head to the side, inserted a funnel and started pumping in the gallons.

The most I could extract from Sawyer was that it was part of a Milk Bone and he put it in his right ear. Surprisingly, none of the other kids who apparently see through walls to report the offenses of others had any idea whether Sauce truly did this or not.

Because I have 4 children older than him who have lived to their current ages of 11,10,8, and 6, I took a deep breath and acted like a mature, experienced mother of five. After calling my friend, who only has four kids (underachiever) and asking her what I should do, we decided she would come over after she put her kids to bed. (Is anyone else about to bust out w/a few Bruce Springsteen lyrics?!?)

Since he didn't seem to be in pain, we figured it wasn't a major emergency. She came over around 9 and Sawyer and I embarked on yet another ER adventure.

This was not my first visit to this particular hospital's ER. It was where we took all 5 kids two days after we arrived in Kansas a year ago August. What follows is my favorite part of the conversation with the Doc that day:

"How many children did you say you had?"

"Five"

"How many children do you have with you now?"

"Five"

"No, I mean, how many am I seeing today?"

"Five"

Remember the Swine Flu? Let's just say this ER holds a special place in my heart! In addition to that trip, I've taken my Mom there when she was visiting (to take care of me- thank you very much) and Sawyer & I have been a handful of times. The time previous to this one, he puked all over me and then down the side of the garbage can I was trying to hold him over top of, while every other person in the waiting room stared strait ahead w/ vacant eyes. Yeah, I know they were sick, but how many of you could sit and witness such an event and not feel the need to get a nurse? A Kleenex? Bueller?

I think I might have parked illegally, but I tend to do that at Emergency Rooms. It's not like I park in any one's way or block the Ambulance lane, but I like to get as close as possible to the door at night. This is because #1. I'm lazy and don't like to walk far (especially when carrying a sick child). and #2. I really don't want to be the hostage that some junkie walks into the ER at knife point to get some Percocet and Valium. Oh, you can say I have an overactive imagination, but other people think of those kinds of things too. I'd put money on that being a scenario in at least 3 medical shows w/in the last 10 years!

- Cut to camera in parking lot. Lady pulls up and leans into mini-van to remove her sick child. As she straitens up, junkie #1 (in an old army jacket) puts a knife to her throat and walks her into ER waiting room while junkie #2 demands pills be put into a dirty pillowcase. They grab a few purses on the way out as mother drops to her knees clutching sick child and crying.

-Cut to nurse #1 who looks her way: "You know that doesn't move you up in the cue, right?"


Think what you want, but it could happen. (Editor's Note: I hope you realize my posts are so long b/c I have to continually stop and explain things to you. So you only have yourself to blame.) I like to park close up and will occasionally park in spaces marked "2 hour parking" even though there has yet to be a documented case of an ER visit lasting under 2 hours. I've also used a "15 minute parking" spot, because on occation I like to think I'm an optimist. Let's get it strait that never have I parked in a handicapped, doctor or clergy spot. Now that I think of it though, couldn't I claim that I brought Father Fred along for the ride? (for those of you who don't know - he's the ghost that lives in our house. Go ahead, minimize this and Google "Father Fred" see what you get. See? Explaining again! Will you all just get with the program and focus?)

After I carried Sawyer the short walk to the ER doors, we signed in. There was a rent-a-cop sitting at the desk. I don't believe he even spoke, just pointed to the sign in sheet. Sawyer is awake, but we were still at the point of me carrying him everywhere. Holding a 35 lb four year old in one arm while filling out forms with the other is no easy task, but I've had plenty of practice and as usual, I triumph!

There are 2 other couples waiting. As always, the insurance lady calls you back quickly. This is such a tease! Wow, they took us back here almost immediately, they certainly can't be busy...right?

And then we sat. And sat. And sat. And sat until my arm was asleep under Sawyer who, tho awake, was pretty tired and not really interested in venturing out to sit on his own in the seat beside me.

There's not much talking in an ER when there are no real emergencies. Most everyone in the waiting room feels horrible and there's no tolerance for chit-chat. Not that I would've had much to say to those around me. We just didn't seem to have much in common. The only true "conversation" took place when the tattooed lady told her REALLY tattooed boyfriend that she "didn't have time for this sh*#." He told a nurse who came out to have the impatient patient (couldn't pass that up) sign AMA papers.

As much as I had no desire for the woman to leave and fall gravely ill, I did a little happy dance in my head when I realized there was now only one person in front of us. That one person was in front of us for at least another 45 minutes before they got called back. Thank the Lord for the common practice of having a TV in the waiting room! Locked channels or not, it gives you something to look at. The putty colored floor holds no interest and bare hospital walls...remember, we're talking Leavenworth, Kansas not Ceder Sinai here.

I found myself sucked into an episode of CSI, which I've heard is very good, though I'm not sure I've ever seen a whole show. I first fixated on the program so as not to stare at the tattooed lady and boyfriend. Tattoos can be cool and I have no problem with anyone who has them. (That's another good story in my Dad's book - why he never got a tattoo.) I really wanted one when I lived in Seattle, but then it became so trendy, I'd like to say that's when I changed my mind. Really I never got one because I didn't have any friends out there and couldn't fathom walking into one of those places alone.

My problem, when I am in close proximity to someone who's arms or legs or neck are covered, is that I start wondering what they and their tattoo will look like when the person is, say, 75 or so. Especially a woman. I've got sandbags under my biceps at 42, what's that angel gonna look like when her right wing is drooping and 3 times wider than the left? I can't help it, I'm intrigued.

The other couple is older and the woman has a bad cold. I feel sorry for her until the Dominoes guy shows up with a pizza for the rent-a-cop. Not having a sense of smell would've come in handy at this point. The cop dives right in, leaving the box top open for the waves of 'za to fill the air. It's now about 11:45 and forget about the fact that I may have eaten a completely fulfilling dinner. It's 11:45 and there's a pizza in close proximity. Enough said.

They call the older couple back. Keep in mind, no one has left. I would never claim to have any natural mathematical abilities, but I'm thinkin' there's a pretty good chance there was at least one empty bed back there for the last two hours and 15 minutes.

"Excuse me Doc, I realize you're really jammed back there with all the major emergencies happening on a Friday night in Leavenworth, KS. Could you just hand me one of them ear things and a pair of tweezers? I'll look myself and be on my way."

So, I'm watching CSI (and am really into it), Sawyer has now fallen into a serene childhood slumber, and they call us back. Despite my initial desire to request a stay of examination, I refrain and am still able to say I have never seen an entire episode of CSI.

We are brought to a room where they decide they don't want to wake him up to get height, weight or blood pressure. But yet, the male nurse suggests I stick the thermometer in his mouth. Really? Because my son is four and autistic and wouldn't hold a thermometer in his mouth on a stellar day. Why would you think ANYONE wouldn't wake up while you stuck something in their mouth, let alone freak out when they don't know where they are or what the heck you're trying to do to them? Uh, no, we'll be putting it under his arm. Thanks!

When the Doc showed up he was very nice. That's great, you're nice, could ya speed it up a little?!?

We rolled the boy to his side and he looked. "It's red. He definitely is in the midst of a bad infection."

Thanks for sharing - Can you please tell me something I don't know?

"Sooooo, do you see anything in there that shouldn't be in there?"

"Nope, not a thing! I'll check the other ear too, make sure he didn't tell you the wrong ear. Nope, the only thing in there is an infection. He's good to go!"

And with a flip of his chart I see the last 3 hours of my life fall to the hospital floor and shatter.

Honestly, I'd rather they found a can of Alpo in there. At least it would've made a decent story...