Child #4 (5 if you want to be specific, but that's a story for another day). Baby Charlie, yes, at 5 years old he is still called Baby Charlie...AND he's not even the youngest child or the youngest boy. So there! Feel free to submit possible nicknames. Nothing seems to stick.
Back to the point, my wonderful, adorable, exasperating child #4. He is hilarious. I say God made him cute so I don't kill him and I do believe there is some truth to that.
Today, I had a ton of work to do on the computer and really needed the kids out of my face. It was a beautiful afternoon and when they complained they had nothing to do outside, I gave the girls the 6 little bottles of nail polish that I forgot to give them for Easter. (That means they got too much stuff in their baskets if you ask me).
The boys were out playing Army man with their bows and arrows. I'd call that Indians, but that's just me. Baby Charlie has been running around the neighborhood with a bunch of older boys playing Army man and he gets annoyed b/c he has to borrow a gun from one of them. It's not that I have anything major against buying him a toy gun, he just hasn't been in need of one til now. And since he was just as happy to run around with his bow and arrow today...I'm thinking I can blow it off for a few more weeks. Sawyer doesn't quite play Army man. At 3, the older boys let him be like the "Innocent Victim" that pops out from behind the furniture in a shoot 'em up video game. They try not to shoot at him when they come running around the corner and he's using his bow to "golf" the wiffle ball around the yard. He is however, great for pointing out the direction the other kids ran. Of course he's a double agent; an equal opportunity snitch.
Back to the girls who are SO excited that I just gave them new nail polish for no reason! I'm such a cool mom...if they only knew. I go back into the living room to finish writing a timeline of one of the kids medical histories. This is long and tedious and frustrating beyond belief. At this point, someone knocks at the door. I am faintly reminded that I saw the doorbell sitting somewhere in the house. (Yet another brain cloud - did you read the last post? If you did then you would know what I'm talking about and not feel left out)
***I would at this point advise any parent to double check that your doorbell is securely fastened to your house. There are few things more annoying than having your children remove the doorbell from the front of the house then proceed to hide behind the tree and ring it every 47 seconds. Think about it, you can't sit there and wait until the brat comes sneaking back to ring it again. They are all falling all over the ground behind the oak tree and you can't see them. They tried sitting in the living room holding the doorbell under their leg, but quickly realized that if there is a child within yelling distance I am NOT getting up to answer the door...now, back to the knock.
It is my good friend's husband. He has come to help me figure out a Geek Squad question that I need to find the answer to b/c Charlie's laptop has a virus...in Iraq. Gotta love those Signal guys! Good Friend's Husband (names have been changed to protect the innocent) is making progress and showing me how to navigate the computer which I think I understand but will not be able to do once he walks out.
Enter child #4, with a big grin on his face. This is trouble and I knew immediately what was going on.
"Look at my toes Momma!"
"They're lovely." I said, "Who painted them?"
"Me! Did I do good?"
I'm wanting to crawl under the desk, b/c as much as Good Friend would've laughed her ass off, men just don't see the humor in this kind of thing. I then reassure Good Friend's Husband that he should be glad that his boy is the oldest. As I write this I realize that I completely forgot Good Friend's Child #4 is a boy and has two older sisters. Oops! (Good Friend is probably reading this and thinking I should be lowered to Acquaintance status)
I return to the discussion at hand. "Can I see your fingers?"
"I didn't do them."
"YES!!!" I shreik in my head. Then I foolish ask "You know why you shouldn't do your fingers right?"
The reply "Because I can hide my toes in my shoes, right?!?"
I'm actually wondering if this is how drag queens start out and what Charlie will think if Baby Charlie puts his toes up to the web cam the next time we Skype. Sawyer came in a few minutes later with a pedi mani and feeling very happy. (These were of course rainbow manicures.)
Good Friend's Husband has turned so pale you could see the thoughts circling his brain. "Must leave now. Must leave NOW!" This is actually good as it replaced "I can't believe this house is such a disaster!"
"Well,Mary,justtellCharliewhatItoldyouandit'llbefineseeyoulater.Bye!"
"Uh, thanks, bye!"
We try to follow Good Friend's Husband out to the porch to bid him farewell but he's gone with the wind. Charlie starts telling me of yet another YouTube video he found of something Micheal Jackson. What I find truly amazing is the amount of random stuff on YouTube. Storm troopers moon walking, MJ vs. Sponge Bob, and my personal favorite; Michal Jackson videos done with Lego's. He's seen them all and made the rest of the family suffer through each and every one. He's borderline obsessed. He told me last week, "I very want a shiny glove Momma. Just one!" He has also asked to walk through the cemetery on post to see if we can find Michael Jackson's grave. "He could be there Momma, he could!"
As he babbles away I am picking up toys from the front yard that a leprechaun must have left there b/c certainly NONE of my children would have left them out. "It's not just that I didn't play with it, I didn't even see that toy today!"
Suddenly, I hear him pause and my brain tries to replay his last statement...uh oh, it was a question. You can tell b/c he's looking at me with that I-just-asked-you-a-question face. Crap...
"What honey?"
"Do I look like him?"
"Who?"
(Loud sigh of exasperation) "Michael Jackson! You know, but not the skin."
"Um, I guess you can dance like him."
"I think I would very like..."
Is he gonna say he wishes he was black? The irony of that will be lost on the masses. Please God, don't let him ask for a Jheri curl.
"I would very like a Michael Jackson t-shirt that I could wear."
I didn't know I was holding my breath until I let go....
Fast forward to 8pm, I am writing Josie's research paper, another long story that just doesn't fit into tonight's schedule. I hear this horrible clonking noise upstairs. I couldn't tell if it was the neighbors or not. I had recently sent Lyra up to go to bed and Charlie to get jays (as in PJ's) on.
Finally, I am concerned enough that I get up to make sure it's not a herd of cattle.
There stands my boy, my husbands namesake, the child that holds so much hope for brain cells in the family; naked as a jay bird walking around in a circle with the heels I wore to church Saturday on his feet. As I'm silently praying that these are not the shoes he was planning on hiding his painted toes in, I say "What on Earth are you doing?"
"I'm tap dancing. Did ya hear me? Was is good? Wanna see?"
"Yes so did the neighborhood! I don't know, how could I? And NOOOOOO!!!"
He clomped down the hall, happy as a clam singing "Beat It."
So I'm wondering...do you think anyone will do a sociological study on the sexual preferences of kids whose same sex parent has been deployed multiple times?
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Lost not Found...
Now I lay me down to sleep...amid the crumbs from the French Toast Sticks Sawyer was eating in my bed this morning. He continues to eat only cold food and actually prefers some things frozen. I'd like to attribute that to his love for me, knowing that taking the time to put said French Toast Sticks in the microwave could easily waste 30 or 40 seconds of my life. However, I'm sure it's better described as one of his "quirks."
Sawyer's "quirks" would fill more than a few pages and at the moment, I don't have that kind of time.
What I wanted to write about is how clueless my other kids are.
Unfortunately, the sheet on which I scribbled several of their answers to my questions is no longer on my nightstand where I put it. I know it was there at one point b/c I put it there. I know I put it there b/c I had to carry it up the stairs to do so. I know I carried it up the stairs b/c we have a lot of stairs and I actually deliberated on doing it right away or waiting until later. I know I did it right away b/c I knew if I waited until later, I would lose it. AND I did not want to lose it!!!
As frustrating as all that is, what's even more annoying is that I have a brain cloud regarding the paper. If you don't know what a brain cloud is, and why would you as I just made it up this minute, here's the best way I can think to describe it: You know when your really hungover and after you've been awake for awhile you get this foggy memory in your brain of something that might have happened the night before? You can feel it and almost see it, but you couldn't really know for sure that it did in fact happen until, with some luck, the fog clears. Of course there are times the fog doesn't clear and you are left with only a few frames in the movie segment of your life that was taped the night before.
If you were with friends, they can, at times, fill in some of the blanks until you can see more of the whole picture. And then there are those times that you were alone, or with people you can't call (for any number of reasons) and ask what happened the night before. I still have a brain cloud about a Simon & Garfunkel song from my senior year of college...but we'll save that for another day.
Anyway, back to the paper that I cannot find. I have this vague recolection that sometime either last night or this morning...it all mixes together...something happened to that paper. I can only say I remember thinking "I don't want to forget to get that paper back." Why would I think that? Why indeed.
I have 5 kids, a deployed husband, and in addition to all the fun that brings, I've had extenuating circumstances. One of which is that my children don't sleep through the night. (Don't even think about going there...it's not what we are talking about.) So I'm exhausted, overworked, underpaid, etc., etc. Last night at 8 pm I gave up. I popped a Tylenol PM and told the kids that if the house catches fire to save themselves.
We did not have to get up early this morning and in fact if I didn't have children annoying the crap out of me, I could've stayed asleep until 8. BUT by 6:30, I had children driving me to the brink of insanity. Sleep is something I don't give up on easily. I have spent many an hour laying in bed trying deprtely to ignore the WWF match going on around and on top of me. (My king size bed is appartently the only adiquate place in this humongous house to host Saturday morning wrestlemania.) I have mastered the technique of opening my eyes just wide enough while grunting that the children think I am conversing with them. This is premature payback for all the conversations I'll be trying to have with them as teenagers. The kids can fight, talk, eat and even perform technical gymnastics manuvors on my bed and i will still stubbornly lay there thinking "if I don't move, maybe they'll go looking for me somewhere else in the house."
So there I was, trying to suck the last few minutes of sleep into my brain. There was some semblance of a conversation with one of the kids, I think it was Lyra. She needed to spell something I think. In an attempt to get her to leave me alone I must've scribbled whatever it was that she needed on "THE" piece of paper. I am fairly certain that in my semi-consious state, I told her I wanted the paper back. And I would bet money that she sweetly replied, "Yes Momma, as soon as I'm done." LIAR!!!
I have now searched the entire humongous house for "THE" piece of paper. I have to make sure I captilize "THE" because if I don't someone may perhaps not realize that I am looking for only ONE particular piece that is of utmost importance to me. The average citizan might be unsure as there are well over 5 million and 36 other papers in this house. That too is fodder for another day. (Wow, I might actually have enough material for a blog!)
So amid the potential habitats for about 629 forest animals, I am looking for ONE paper! Even I know this is a lost cause...
POSTNOTE: I literally fell asleep typing this the other night. (Thank the Lord for automatic draft save!) The next day I asked the suspect child if she did in fact have my paper. "Yes, you wrote our email on it, don't you remember?"
"Oh, you wanted Daddy's email? Did you send him a message?"
"No, I wanted OUR email...and you already asked me that yesterday."
"Whatever. Where's my paper?"
"Still on the desk where I told you it would be."
"Can you please get it and put it by my bed?"
"Yes Momma, as soon as I'm done."
Great! Now she's a habitual liar...I have yet to get "THE" paper back!
Sawyer's "quirks" would fill more than a few pages and at the moment, I don't have that kind of time.
What I wanted to write about is how clueless my other kids are.
Unfortunately, the sheet on which I scribbled several of their answers to my questions is no longer on my nightstand where I put it. I know it was there at one point b/c I put it there. I know I put it there b/c I had to carry it up the stairs to do so. I know I carried it up the stairs b/c we have a lot of stairs and I actually deliberated on doing it right away or waiting until later. I know I did it right away b/c I knew if I waited until later, I would lose it. AND I did not want to lose it!!!
As frustrating as all that is, what's even more annoying is that I have a brain cloud regarding the paper. If you don't know what a brain cloud is, and why would you as I just made it up this minute, here's the best way I can think to describe it: You know when your really hungover and after you've been awake for awhile you get this foggy memory in your brain of something that might have happened the night before? You can feel it and almost see it, but you couldn't really know for sure that it did in fact happen until, with some luck, the fog clears. Of course there are times the fog doesn't clear and you are left with only a few frames in the movie segment of your life that was taped the night before.
If you were with friends, they can, at times, fill in some of the blanks until you can see more of the whole picture. And then there are those times that you were alone, or with people you can't call (for any number of reasons) and ask what happened the night before. I still have a brain cloud about a Simon & Garfunkel song from my senior year of college...but we'll save that for another day.
Anyway, back to the paper that I cannot find. I have this vague recolection that sometime either last night or this morning...it all mixes together...something happened to that paper. I can only say I remember thinking "I don't want to forget to get that paper back." Why would I think that? Why indeed.
I have 5 kids, a deployed husband, and in addition to all the fun that brings, I've had extenuating circumstances. One of which is that my children don't sleep through the night. (Don't even think about going there...it's not what we are talking about.) So I'm exhausted, overworked, underpaid, etc., etc. Last night at 8 pm I gave up. I popped a Tylenol PM and told the kids that if the house catches fire to save themselves.
We did not have to get up early this morning and in fact if I didn't have children annoying the crap out of me, I could've stayed asleep until 8. BUT by 6:30, I had children driving me to the brink of insanity. Sleep is something I don't give up on easily. I have spent many an hour laying in bed trying deprtely to ignore the WWF match going on around and on top of me. (My king size bed is appartently the only adiquate place in this humongous house to host Saturday morning wrestlemania.) I have mastered the technique of opening my eyes just wide enough while grunting that the children think I am conversing with them. This is premature payback for all the conversations I'll be trying to have with them as teenagers. The kids can fight, talk, eat and even perform technical gymnastics manuvors on my bed and i will still stubbornly lay there thinking "if I don't move, maybe they'll go looking for me somewhere else in the house."
So there I was, trying to suck the last few minutes of sleep into my brain. There was some semblance of a conversation with one of the kids, I think it was Lyra. She needed to spell something I think. In an attempt to get her to leave me alone I must've scribbled whatever it was that she needed on "THE" piece of paper. I am fairly certain that in my semi-consious state, I told her I wanted the paper back. And I would bet money that she sweetly replied, "Yes Momma, as soon as I'm done." LIAR!!!
I have now searched the entire humongous house for "THE" piece of paper. I have to make sure I captilize "THE" because if I don't someone may perhaps not realize that I am looking for only ONE particular piece that is of utmost importance to me. The average citizan might be unsure as there are well over 5 million and 36 other papers in this house. That too is fodder for another day. (Wow, I might actually have enough material for a blog!)
So amid the potential habitats for about 629 forest animals, I am looking for ONE paper! Even I know this is a lost cause...
POSTNOTE: I literally fell asleep typing this the other night. (Thank the Lord for automatic draft save!) The next day I asked the suspect child if she did in fact have my paper. "Yes, you wrote our email on it, don't you remember?"
"Oh, you wanted Daddy's email? Did you send him a message?"
"No, I wanted OUR email...and you already asked me that yesterday."
"Whatever. Where's my paper?"
"Still on the desk where I told you it would be."
"Can you please get it and put it by my bed?"
"Yes Momma, as soon as I'm done."
Great! Now she's a habitual liar...I have yet to get "THE" paper back!
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Palm Sunday...
Charlie emailed me this morning and told me he missed Mass. He was feeling especially guilty b/c it was Palm Sunday.
My FB post today read:
In an attempt to save my own soul, I have thrown the kids under the bus. I just couldn't face extra long mass with monsters in tow...If anyone sees my kids in Hell, tell them I said Hi! (Oh wait, I'm probably gonna be there anyway)
So then I wrote back to Charlie with the following~
It's okay you missed mass, the kids did too. Here's what happened:
Jesus was the Grand Marshall of his own parade. Everyone was happy and waved palms.
Jesus had dinner with his crew and gave them the 411 on some stuff that was coming up. They thought he was talkin' smack.
Jesus and the gang went to a garden, Jesus prayed and the crew racked out making Jesus kinda ticked off.
Judas showed up with some soldiers. He kissed Jesus and someone chopped an ear off one of the soldiers. Jesus put the ear back on and went with the soldiers.
There was a riot going on at Pontius Pilots' crib and everyone wanted Jesus to be killed even though there was no reason to do so.
Pontius dumped it onto Herod who dumped it back on Pontius and then they had coffee.
(During all this Peter was perpetratin' just like JC said he would)
The crowd was going nuts and decided to ask for the ancient day Charles Manson to be let out of prison so Jesus could be crucified.
Pilot had no balls and let them nail Jesus on the cross.
Jesus and the guy next to him became buds.
Jesus died, all the while telling God to forgive everyone. (Which when you think about it, should have really tipped them off. Would you be telling God to forgive everyone who just treated YOU like crap and were in the process of killing you? Probably not unless you had some kind of 'in' with the Big Guy.)
Once he was gone, people started to realize they blew it.
The good guys (mostly women of course) put him in a tomb and went home for the Sabbath.
...to be continued....
Of course feeling guilty myself, I start quizzing the kids on some Catholicism over dinner.
Mom: What are the two main parts of the mass?
Tali: The Beginning and The End
Mom: Who can say the Hail Mary?
Tali and Josie sing it b/c they apparently are unable to just say it, but they got it right so I let that go.
Lyra: Hail Mary, full of Grace, the Lord is with Thee. Something, something, and something else.
Mom: That's nice. Try again.
Lyra: Hail Mary, full of Grace, the Lord is with Thee. Bless us O Lord and these thy gifts...oh wait, that's the other one. It doesn't matter, I don't want a treat anyway.
Mom: A treat?
Lyra: If we know all our prayers the CCD teacher will give us a candy bar, but I don't care.
Mom: Well, there's this other treat. It's called NOT GOING TO HELL! You may want to work towards that!
Lyra: Maybe.
My FB post today read:
In an attempt to save my own soul, I have thrown the kids under the bus. I just couldn't face extra long mass with monsters in tow...If anyone sees my kids in Hell, tell them I said Hi! (Oh wait, I'm probably gonna be there anyway)
So then I wrote back to Charlie with the following~
It's okay you missed mass, the kids did too. Here's what happened:
Jesus was the Grand Marshall of his own parade. Everyone was happy and waved palms.
Jesus had dinner with his crew and gave them the 411 on some stuff that was coming up. They thought he was talkin' smack.
Jesus and the gang went to a garden, Jesus prayed and the crew racked out making Jesus kinda ticked off.
Judas showed up with some soldiers. He kissed Jesus and someone chopped an ear off one of the soldiers. Jesus put the ear back on and went with the soldiers.
There was a riot going on at Pontius Pilots' crib and everyone wanted Jesus to be killed even though there was no reason to do so.
Pontius dumped it onto Herod who dumped it back on Pontius and then they had coffee.
(During all this Peter was perpetratin' just like JC said he would)
The crowd was going nuts and decided to ask for the ancient day Charles Manson to be let out of prison so Jesus could be crucified.
Pilot had no balls and let them nail Jesus on the cross.
Jesus and the guy next to him became buds.
Jesus died, all the while telling God to forgive everyone. (Which when you think about it, should have really tipped them off. Would you be telling God to forgive everyone who just treated YOU like crap and were in the process of killing you? Probably not unless you had some kind of 'in' with the Big Guy.)
Once he was gone, people started to realize they blew it.
The good guys (mostly women of course) put him in a tomb and went home for the Sabbath.
...to be continued....
Of course feeling guilty myself, I start quizzing the kids on some Catholicism over dinner.
Mom: What are the two main parts of the mass?
Tali: The Beginning and The End
Mom: Who can say the Hail Mary?
Tali and Josie sing it b/c they apparently are unable to just say it, but they got it right so I let that go.
Lyra: Hail Mary, full of Grace, the Lord is with Thee. Something, something, and something else.
Mom: That's nice. Try again.
Lyra: Hail Mary, full of Grace, the Lord is with Thee. Bless us O Lord and these thy gifts...oh wait, that's the other one. It doesn't matter, I don't want a treat anyway.
Mom: A treat?
Lyra: If we know all our prayers the CCD teacher will give us a candy bar, but I don't care.
Mom: Well, there's this other treat. It's called NOT GOING TO HELL! You may want to work towards that!
Lyra: Maybe.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
The Carlton Anti Christmas Letter
Now that it's March I figure I should include the Christmas Letter:
I‘d like to introduce myself to those of you who haven’t heard of me yet: My name is Father Fred and I live at 632 Thomas Ave, Ft. Leavenworth, KS. This also happens to be the same house in which the Carlton Family resides. I have lived here slightly longer though, since 1875. They moved in last August. This of course means it is MY HOUSE and I periodically remind them of this. As I move about the place, I catch bits of conversations and tend to read over Mary’s shoulder while she’s on Facebook, so I feel justified in writing the Christmas Letter this year.
The year apparently started off with a bang as Charlie and Mary began to prepare for their move to Latvia. They stocked up on winter clothes for everyone at the after-holiday sales and Mary began tracking her food purchases on a chart so they would know how many boxes of Mac-n-Cheese they would need to survive 3 years in a foreign land.
The family got mentally and materially prepared for this major move to the other side of the world when low and behold, Charlie found out (through a fluke) in February that they had been denied the move back in September. This was great news as Charlie had been taking Latvian for 6 months at that point. What a marketable language that is! Also, Mary had decided to embrace the move as her Lenten Sacrifice and NOW what was she supposed to do????
So plans changed, some items were returned, food lists went in the garbage and Charlie began to look for another job. After possibilities like Charlie going alone for 18 months or deploying for 12, Mary was thrilled to hear that there was a job (in the United States where they speak English) at Ft. Leavenworth for Charlie to be a “Red Team Instructor.”
Mary sponsored 4 acts at the St. Ann Variety Show in the spring. One each for the girls’ classes and one in which the 3 girls & Baby Charlie sang “Brother for Sale” by Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen. I’m guessing they had no buyers as Baby Charlie is still with the family!
Because they were now moving in July and not September, the summer plans were rearranged. The family drove down to Disney right after school let out and spent a VERY, VERY HOT 7 days at Disney World. There was also a VERY, VERY LONG 45 minutes one day when Baby Charlie got lost. They spent one day with Cousin Katie & her daughter Lily there. From what I hear, Lily and Baby Charlie have a loving relationship with a lot of hair pulling and punching involved.
Then, Charlie came to Kansas to find a house and start work, while Mary took the kids to the annual “Last Hurrah” trip to Topsail Beach, NC. Luckily, Cousin Hannah rode with them half way to the beach and Mary had a nanny so she wasn’t on her own. Charlie flew into NC on Friday for a short 36hrs in the sand and they started their cross country trek on Sunday.
The trip itself wasn’t too eventful; unless of course you count the hotel in St. Louis that happened to be across the street from an arena where the Jonas Brothers were playing that night. Oops! Good Daddy that he was, Charlie found a friendly scalper and took the 4 oldest while Sawyer and Mary went to bed early.
(I had a whole paragraph written about the kids getting Swine Flu the day after they arrived in Kansas. It was exciting news back then, but now that everyone and their brother have had H1N1…it landed on the cutting room floor.) Instead, I’ll tell you that Tali (5th), Josie (4th), Lyra (2nd) and Charlie (K) all attend Eisenhower Elementary School. Mary & Baby Charlie took a two-week vacation to VA in September for him to enroll in Kindergarten at St. Ann. This was b/c he didn’t make the cut-off date for Kindergarten in Kansas and Mary was that desperate to get him into school full-time. The school district will transfer a student into Kindergarten if he has gone at least 2 weeks in another state. How cool is that? Plus, Mary got to see all her friends, do lunch, and see how life might be with one child. WOW, I’m sort of surprised she returned to Kansas! Sawyer goes to Bradley Elementary School for Special Ed Preschool and the Child Development Center Preschool to encourage socialization, although “the Sauce” is talking up a storm and enjoys showing us all how smart he is on HIS TERMS!
Once in Leavenworth, the family moved into MY HOUSE. They love it b/c it’s big, I love them b/c they’re Catholic and have LOTS of kids! They don’t bother me too much, but the crying can get a little annoying. I like to let them know I’m around by opening drawers and the dryer doors. I turn out lights and have also been known to change the temperature in the house. The family has smelled smoke in the fireplace even though they are cemented closed, but I have yet to appear in any pictures or “bless” the children by sprinkling water on them as legends say. I’m waiting for them to decorate the tree to see if they notice when I rearrange the ornaments!
Charlie leaves on January 2nd for a 6-month deployment in Iraq. Please don’t worry about Mary and the kids as I’ll be here watching over them… Mwahahahaha!!!!
Merry Christmas~
Father Fred, Charlie, Mary, Tali, Josie, Lyra
Baby Charlie & Saucey
I‘d like to introduce myself to those of you who haven’t heard of me yet: My name is Father Fred and I live at 632 Thomas Ave, Ft. Leavenworth, KS. This also happens to be the same house in which the Carlton Family resides. I have lived here slightly longer though, since 1875. They moved in last August. This of course means it is MY HOUSE and I periodically remind them of this. As I move about the place, I catch bits of conversations and tend to read over Mary’s shoulder while she’s on Facebook, so I feel justified in writing the Christmas Letter this year.
The year apparently started off with a bang as Charlie and Mary began to prepare for their move to Latvia. They stocked up on winter clothes for everyone at the after-holiday sales and Mary began tracking her food purchases on a chart so they would know how many boxes of Mac-n-Cheese they would need to survive 3 years in a foreign land.
The family got mentally and materially prepared for this major move to the other side of the world when low and behold, Charlie found out (through a fluke) in February that they had been denied the move back in September. This was great news as Charlie had been taking Latvian for 6 months at that point. What a marketable language that is! Also, Mary had decided to embrace the move as her Lenten Sacrifice and NOW what was she supposed to do????
So plans changed, some items were returned, food lists went in the garbage and Charlie began to look for another job. After possibilities like Charlie going alone for 18 months or deploying for 12, Mary was thrilled to hear that there was a job (in the United States where they speak English) at Ft. Leavenworth for Charlie to be a “Red Team Instructor.”
Mary sponsored 4 acts at the St. Ann Variety Show in the spring. One each for the girls’ classes and one in which the 3 girls & Baby Charlie sang “Brother for Sale” by Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen. I’m guessing they had no buyers as Baby Charlie is still with the family!
Because they were now moving in July and not September, the summer plans were rearranged. The family drove down to Disney right after school let out and spent a VERY, VERY HOT 7 days at Disney World. There was also a VERY, VERY LONG 45 minutes one day when Baby Charlie got lost. They spent one day with Cousin Katie & her daughter Lily there. From what I hear, Lily and Baby Charlie have a loving relationship with a lot of hair pulling and punching involved.
Then, Charlie came to Kansas to find a house and start work, while Mary took the kids to the annual “Last Hurrah” trip to Topsail Beach, NC. Luckily, Cousin Hannah rode with them half way to the beach and Mary had a nanny so she wasn’t on her own. Charlie flew into NC on Friday for a short 36hrs in the sand and they started their cross country trek on Sunday.
The trip itself wasn’t too eventful; unless of course you count the hotel in St. Louis that happened to be across the street from an arena where the Jonas Brothers were playing that night. Oops! Good Daddy that he was, Charlie found a friendly scalper and took the 4 oldest while Sawyer and Mary went to bed early.
(I had a whole paragraph written about the kids getting Swine Flu the day after they arrived in Kansas. It was exciting news back then, but now that everyone and their brother have had H1N1…it landed on the cutting room floor.) Instead, I’ll tell you that Tali (5th), Josie (4th), Lyra (2nd) and Charlie (K) all attend Eisenhower Elementary School. Mary & Baby Charlie took a two-week vacation to VA in September for him to enroll in Kindergarten at St. Ann. This was b/c he didn’t make the cut-off date for Kindergarten in Kansas and Mary was that desperate to get him into school full-time. The school district will transfer a student into Kindergarten if he has gone at least 2 weeks in another state. How cool is that? Plus, Mary got to see all her friends, do lunch, and see how life might be with one child. WOW, I’m sort of surprised she returned to Kansas! Sawyer goes to Bradley Elementary School for Special Ed Preschool and the Child Development Center Preschool to encourage socialization, although “the Sauce” is talking up a storm and enjoys showing us all how smart he is on HIS TERMS!
Once in Leavenworth, the family moved into MY HOUSE. They love it b/c it’s big, I love them b/c they’re Catholic and have LOTS of kids! They don’t bother me too much, but the crying can get a little annoying. I like to let them know I’m around by opening drawers and the dryer doors. I turn out lights and have also been known to change the temperature in the house. The family has smelled smoke in the fireplace even though they are cemented closed, but I have yet to appear in any pictures or “bless” the children by sprinkling water on them as legends say. I’m waiting for them to decorate the tree to see if they notice when I rearrange the ornaments!
Charlie leaves on January 2nd for a 6-month deployment in Iraq. Please don’t worry about Mary and the kids as I’ll be here watching over them… Mwahahahaha!!!!
Merry Christmas~
Father Fred, Charlie, Mary, Tali, Josie, Lyra
Baby Charlie & Saucey
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Puke-a-pa-looza 2
Author's note: The following is not for the weak of stomach. (Except of course for Charlie, b/c despite his wimpy stomach he must be forced to feel my pain!!!)
This just in: The second annual Carlton Puke-a-pa-looza was held over the last several days. Although last year's event was held in early May with Mary's LASIK surgery starting off the weekend fun, this years' festivities were held in mid-March lining up perfectly with the kids Spring Break! (Having two major events coincide always makes for more fun.)
Sawyer was the opening act. He started off the weekend with a vomit session that would put many a drunk to shame. He threw up so much and so many places that it became a math lesson for Tali to figure out how many rooms in the house he had thrown up in. (1/3 of the rooms on the second floor and 3/4 of the rooms on the first floor)
It seemed as though there may not be a full-fledged festival this year as the waters (and tummies) were calm Saturday afternoon and all day Sunday. But Josie was not going to let the opportunity pass us by. She decided to headline the event and started throwing up Monday night. Shortly thereafter, Baby Charlie joined in. Not to be outdone by the children, Mary felt the need to "blow" them both out of the water (no pun intended - Nah...of course it was).
Baby Charlie and Sawyer were to appear at day care Tuesday and Wednesday, but they blew off both gigs to encore at the house. Sawyer outdid himself with a blowout of major proportion Tuesday morning. Who knew there was anything left in that little body to poop up down and sideways...all over his favorite Thomas pajamas? (For those of you who follow Frogs escapades...he luckily avoided hopping into the mosh pit!)
As Josie came to the front of the stage over, and over, and over, and over, Tali couldn't hold back anymore. By Tuesday night she was yakking with the best of them. And her love of dark blue Gatorade showed. So much so that Mary, who thought she had taken her final bow in front of the toilet, came back for more.
And so it went Tuesday night. From 9:30 to midnight, Baby Charlie had the mike, and kept a running commentary on Phinias and Ferb and SpongeBob for anyone who would listen. (He had gone backstage and napped for several hours in the afternoon). He was allowed four sips of water every 8 minutes. After two and 1/2 hours Mary had lost all track of time, sips, and days of summer vacation.
Meanwhile on Stage 2 the schedule went something like this; 10pm: Tali and Josie do a duet, and Mary sings backup. 11pm: Josie goes solo. 12:15: Tali on melody and Mary picks up harmony. 1:30: Josie and Tali sing together again and Mary follows their lead. 2 am: Josie is back on stage with nothing left to give.
Everyone agreed it was time for an intermission so there was a break. Just when it got a little too quiet, Baby Charlie let loose all over Mary's comforter at 4:10. This included the sips of water Mary had so carefully rationed, plus the extras he'd been sneaking while she was wiping up vomit from Tali and Josie. And then there were those Ritz Crackers he'd taken from the kitchen and ate while Mary was doing her own thing. "But I was so hungry!"
The lights went down and the stage fell silent...until at 5am Sawyer was wide awake, feeling better, and ready to conquer the day! He sat up with one of his common battle cries; "I want meatballs!" Mary's response, "Are you freakin' kidding me?" was still echoing in the hallway when he thankfully fell back asleep until 8.
It was somewhere around that time that Josie, although continuing to try to produce during the early morning hours, was forced to put down the mike and sleep. Tali too, racked like a rock star. Mary - having dreams of the health care debate b/c Fox News was on - drifted in and out of consciousness.
Lyra and Sawyer played the day away. Baby Charlie continued to vomit through the afternoon, but b/c God had the forethought (well of course He would) to send Mary's mom out and to allow her to remain unscathed by the storm, Mary was able to sleep until late afternoon when she became vertical for the first time in two days. When asked about the experience, Mary Lee said "I've honestly never seen anything like it." This does not mean she advocates for the continuance of the festival nor does she encourage anyone else to come witness it.
Clean up will begin tomorrow am. It's expected to take days, maybe even weeks for the venue to recover. Mary and her Mom will be paid double her salery (of nothing) to restore order to the event grounds. (Yet one more example of Mary Lee's sainthood)
Update: it is now 2am...everyone is asleep and the house has been vomit free for about 10 hours...what a long, strange trip it's been....
(Tickets for next year's Puke-a-pa-looza will go on sale at Christmas)
This just in: The second annual Carlton Puke-a-pa-looza was held over the last several days. Although last year's event was held in early May with Mary's LASIK surgery starting off the weekend fun, this years' festivities were held in mid-March lining up perfectly with the kids Spring Break! (Having two major events coincide always makes for more fun.)
Sawyer was the opening act. He started off the weekend with a vomit session that would put many a drunk to shame. He threw up so much and so many places that it became a math lesson for Tali to figure out how many rooms in the house he had thrown up in. (1/3 of the rooms on the second floor and 3/4 of the rooms on the first floor)
It seemed as though there may not be a full-fledged festival this year as the waters (and tummies) were calm Saturday afternoon and all day Sunday. But Josie was not going to let the opportunity pass us by. She decided to headline the event and started throwing up Monday night. Shortly thereafter, Baby Charlie joined in. Not to be outdone by the children, Mary felt the need to "blow" them both out of the water (no pun intended - Nah...of course it was).
Baby Charlie and Sawyer were to appear at day care Tuesday and Wednesday, but they blew off both gigs to encore at the house. Sawyer outdid himself with a blowout of major proportion Tuesday morning. Who knew there was anything left in that little body to poop up down and sideways...all over his favorite Thomas pajamas? (For those of you who follow Frogs escapades...he luckily avoided hopping into the mosh pit!)
As Josie came to the front of the stage over, and over, and over, and over, Tali couldn't hold back anymore. By Tuesday night she was yakking with the best of them. And her love of dark blue Gatorade showed. So much so that Mary, who thought she had taken her final bow in front of the toilet, came back for more.
And so it went Tuesday night. From 9:30 to midnight, Baby Charlie had the mike, and kept a running commentary on Phinias and Ferb and SpongeBob for anyone who would listen. (He had gone backstage and napped for several hours in the afternoon). He was allowed four sips of water every 8 minutes. After two and 1/2 hours Mary had lost all track of time, sips, and days of summer vacation.
Meanwhile on Stage 2 the schedule went something like this; 10pm: Tali and Josie do a duet, and Mary sings backup. 11pm: Josie goes solo. 12:15: Tali on melody and Mary picks up harmony. 1:30: Josie and Tali sing together again and Mary follows their lead. 2 am: Josie is back on stage with nothing left to give.
Everyone agreed it was time for an intermission so there was a break. Just when it got a little too quiet, Baby Charlie let loose all over Mary's comforter at 4:10. This included the sips of water Mary had so carefully rationed, plus the extras he'd been sneaking while she was wiping up vomit from Tali and Josie. And then there were those Ritz Crackers he'd taken from the kitchen and ate while Mary was doing her own thing. "But I was so hungry!"
The lights went down and the stage fell silent...until at 5am Sawyer was wide awake, feeling better, and ready to conquer the day! He sat up with one of his common battle cries; "I want meatballs!" Mary's response, "Are you freakin' kidding me?" was still echoing in the hallway when he thankfully fell back asleep until 8.
It was somewhere around that time that Josie, although continuing to try to produce during the early morning hours, was forced to put down the mike and sleep. Tali too, racked like a rock star. Mary - having dreams of the health care debate b/c Fox News was on - drifted in and out of consciousness.
Lyra and Sawyer played the day away. Baby Charlie continued to vomit through the afternoon, but b/c God had the forethought (well of course He would) to send Mary's mom out and to allow her to remain unscathed by the storm, Mary was able to sleep until late afternoon when she became vertical for the first time in two days. When asked about the experience, Mary Lee said "I've honestly never seen anything like it." This does not mean she advocates for the continuance of the festival nor does she encourage anyone else to come witness it.
Clean up will begin tomorrow am. It's expected to take days, maybe even weeks for the venue to recover. Mary and her Mom will be paid double her salery (of nothing) to restore order to the event grounds. (Yet one more example of Mary Lee's sainthood)
Update: it is now 2am...everyone is asleep and the house has been vomit free for about 10 hours...what a long, strange trip it's been....
(Tickets for next year's Puke-a-pa-looza will go on sale at Christmas)
Monday, March 1, 2010
Dear Frog~
Dear Frog. Soft, green, cuddly Frog. You don't fool me. I've seen your kind before. You slipped into Sawyer's crib with a big blue ribbon when he was first born. As he lay motionless and swadled, you snuggled up to him with your big eyes and fluffy legs. Only able to flounder, he was a captive audience, and you filled his brand new brain with lies and empty promises of your life together.
By the time he could crawl, you two were inseparable. And even at 3, you rarely leave his side and not a night goes by that he doesn't drool on you.
Then comfortable in his need for you, in just the right moment, you morph from a simple frog to a cheeky monkey and find a quiet, out of the way spot to hide.
You amuse yourself by doing this on nights which I may actually go to bed early. Although I should stay up preparing the Box Tops Submission that must be postmarked tomorrow, I had decided to go to bed and do it in the morning. Remarkably, the kids were all snoring by 9pm. The rareness of this is not lost on you.
As I transported Sawyer into his bed from mine, I noticed that you were missing. I continued to move through my bedtime routine which includes more household tasks than most men accomplish in a week. The table was wiped down, the dishwasher started, the dryer emptied and that load carried upstairs, the wet load put into the dryer, and the reds loaded in the washer so Josie could have the pants she needed in the morning. (Note to self: Josie needs more pants)
All the while I looked for you, scanning rooms as I walked. Looking under the pillows as I folded the blankets on the couches. Then under the couches as I double checked for sippy cups full of milk curdling to yogurt. I filed through all the bed rooms for the final round of good night kisses and peeked under beds and covers double checking for dirty clothes and random stuffed frogs that may have gotten shoved down under.
The house became a mansion as I made repeated circles through the rooms trying to think where you might be. Cabinets, closets and even backpacks were subjected to the search. (Though I must admit, the backpack search turned up a paper I was supposed to sign and return to school tomorrow) You, however, were nowhere to be found.
Cursing your dirty, flimsy body I planned your demise. I decided to tell Sawyer what a scoundral you really are. How you are but a shell of the thick, fluffy frog you once were. How as a newborn he had lived a very full life without you!
But then, I realized as I seached the playroom for the 47th time, that I would not cause Sawyer any more heartache than you already had. I love him too much for that.
And there you were; under the Doctor's Kit, beneath the SpongeBob Box O' Games, in the doll trunk, dressed in Lyra's shirt, face to face with Patty Go Potty. You scumbag!
I brought you to Sawyer and tucked you in next to him. Just your stench alone seemed to relax his face muscles from his typical grumpy old man scowl into an annoyed child expression (which is much softer and sweeter).
This round is yours, but don't think for one minute you have won. You are not irreplaceable you flattened anphibian. There could be another Frog. A greener, thicker stuffed, new car smelling Frog. There's a place I can go. A place full of every possible material item any parent could need. A place where frogs like you are a dime a dozen...a place called eBay.
So heed this warning and stay close my friend. Stay very close...especially at bedtime!!!!
By the time he could crawl, you two were inseparable. And even at 3, you rarely leave his side and not a night goes by that he doesn't drool on you.
Then comfortable in his need for you, in just the right moment, you morph from a simple frog to a cheeky monkey and find a quiet, out of the way spot to hide.
You amuse yourself by doing this on nights which I may actually go to bed early. Although I should stay up preparing the Box Tops Submission that must be postmarked tomorrow, I had decided to go to bed and do it in the morning. Remarkably, the kids were all snoring by 9pm. The rareness of this is not lost on you.
As I transported Sawyer into his bed from mine, I noticed that you were missing. I continued to move through my bedtime routine which includes more household tasks than most men accomplish in a week. The table was wiped down, the dishwasher started, the dryer emptied and that load carried upstairs, the wet load put into the dryer, and the reds loaded in the washer so Josie could have the pants she needed in the morning. (Note to self: Josie needs more pants)
All the while I looked for you, scanning rooms as I walked. Looking under the pillows as I folded the blankets on the couches. Then under the couches as I double checked for sippy cups full of milk curdling to yogurt. I filed through all the bed rooms for the final round of good night kisses and peeked under beds and covers double checking for dirty clothes and random stuffed frogs that may have gotten shoved down under.
The house became a mansion as I made repeated circles through the rooms trying to think where you might be. Cabinets, closets and even backpacks were subjected to the search. (Though I must admit, the backpack search turned up a paper I was supposed to sign and return to school tomorrow) You, however, were nowhere to be found.
Cursing your dirty, flimsy body I planned your demise. I decided to tell Sawyer what a scoundral you really are. How you are but a shell of the thick, fluffy frog you once were. How as a newborn he had lived a very full life without you!
But then, I realized as I seached the playroom for the 47th time, that I would not cause Sawyer any more heartache than you already had. I love him too much for that.
And there you were; under the Doctor's Kit, beneath the SpongeBob Box O' Games, in the doll trunk, dressed in Lyra's shirt, face to face with Patty Go Potty. You scumbag!
I brought you to Sawyer and tucked you in next to him. Just your stench alone seemed to relax his face muscles from his typical grumpy old man scowl into an annoyed child expression (which is much softer and sweeter).
This round is yours, but don't think for one minute you have won. You are not irreplaceable you flattened anphibian. There could be another Frog. A greener, thicker stuffed, new car smelling Frog. There's a place I can go. A place full of every possible material item any parent could need. A place where frogs like you are a dime a dozen...a place called eBay.
So heed this warning and stay close my friend. Stay very close...especially at bedtime!!!!
Saturday, February 27, 2010
A Funfilled Trip to the Post Library
Taken from an email I sent to Charlie today....
What else, what else? Oh yeah, something else I did yesterday was return a bunch of library books that were overdue.
Of course I got more stuff and she was like "Did you return anything?" I told her that huge pile on the desk that had been sitting there for 15 minutes while she picked her nose was all my stuff.
She asked "Are there 11 items there?" I told her that eleven is a big number and if she had trouble counting that high I could get her a calculator.
She then told me that having that many overdue items usually resulted in a suspended account, but since my husband worked for UFMCS, they didn't do that. I told her I guess it was a good thing he worked there then, huh? And thanks for the info so now I don't have to care when the books are due back.
She said "You know, we give you a library card so you can renew them online." I told her that sticking my library card in my computer does not renew my books; it just messes up the disc drive.
She said "The website is right on the back." I told her that renewing books required my time and attention. Also, I'd have to know when or care that the stuff was overdue to bother getting on the computer.
With that, she gave me my stuff and told me very loudly and very slowly when the stuff was due. I told her "Thanks, but my husband works for UFMCS so I really don't have a due date!"
What else, what else? Oh yeah, something else I did yesterday was return a bunch of library books that were overdue.
Of course I got more stuff and she was like "Did you return anything?" I told her that huge pile on the desk that had been sitting there for 15 minutes while she picked her nose was all my stuff.
She asked "Are there 11 items there?" I told her that eleven is a big number and if she had trouble counting that high I could get her a calculator.
She then told me that having that many overdue items usually resulted in a suspended account, but since my husband worked for UFMCS, they didn't do that. I told her I guess it was a good thing he worked there then, huh? And thanks for the info so now I don't have to care when the books are due back.
She said "You know, we give you a library card so you can renew them online." I told her that sticking my library card in my computer does not renew my books; it just messes up the disc drive.
She said "The website is right on the back." I told her that renewing books required my time and attention. Also, I'd have to know when or care that the stuff was overdue to bother getting on the computer.
With that, she gave me my stuff and told me very loudly and very slowly when the stuff was due. I told her "Thanks, but my husband works for UFMCS so I really don't have a due date!"
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